Friday, April 22, 2005

how i pulled into the lead in my relationship

i caught her. i caught her in a lie. after a long time of being the relationship underdog i finally caught my girlfriend in a lie and now it looks like yours truly takes the lead. catching your girlfriend in a lie is the equivalent of cutting in from the outside lane on jeff gordon in the indie 500. some may raise their eyebrows and think, "a relationship is not a competition." heh, heh, if only that were true. let me present the case to the court.

exhibit one: my girlfriend's friend (hostile witness) already thinks i have a blackbelt in bastardity. she has a legitimate claim, as i broke up with my girlfriend, and "played the field (boring)" and "needed my space" thereby making my girlfriend cry in her car and eat peanut m&m's. so when we got together, her friend's eyes narrowed to protective slits and she said things under her breath like, "i don't know," and "are you sure about this?"

exhibit two: to keep my girlfriend armed with plenty of "back-up plans" or "boyfriend understudies" in case yours truly does something fucked up again, she keeps my girl abreast with an array of choice possibilities. all of them are better candidates than me. all of them are well into six-figures. all of them are taller than me. all of them are better looking than me. all of them are ivey leaguers. and the added bonus, the big fat fact that none of them want to be writers.

exhibit three: sarah (my girl's protective friend) emailed my girl the photo of a potential stud. my girl checked her email at my house (totally amatuer relationship move) and i happened to see the photo of the willing lad. the attached note from her friend said, and i quote with relish, "here is the guy i was telling you about."

exhibit four: being a world-weary guy who has done many tours of duty in various relationships i did not jump to an assumption. the assumption is is the weak play of an inexperienced man. it's an amatuer's folly. it leads a man headlong into the old "you don't trust me" gambit. it's the favorite trap of women and a doozey. a young man who lacks experience could will get ambushed. she can divert the attention from the guy she's never introduced to us by making us feel guilty that we just assumed that she might have an illicit relationship with someone, simply because she's a woman and he's a man. this attack is always followed by the coup de grat phrase, "i guess you just don't know me." so i said nothing. silence is the greates strength a man has in a relationship. silence is like mustard gas to some women. so i didn't say anything about the strange handsome man (probably using whteneing strips) in my girl's inbox. i kept mum about the tropical landscape behind him. i said zero about his golf tan. nothing. i stayed the course. i waited for the enemy to betray her position.

exhibit five: when my girls sees that i see, this is what transpires.

my girl: does he look gay to you?
me: hell yeah. he looks like he shakes his salt on the rump roast.
my girl: (quiet)
me: (turning the page in my book to prove i don't care)
my girl: yeah, sarah thinks he's gay. she wanted to know if i thought he was guy.
me: i love this song. (turn up the radio, listening to jimmy cliff). i love you. (putting on the pressure)
my girl: alright, alright, i can't take it. this guy saw my photo on friendster and he was asking sarah about me so she emailed his picture.

now, i turned down the music. i slowed down. i was in control now. she had lied to me.

she did her best to look sheepish, "are you mad at me?"
"no, but, you lied to my face."
"but, i came clean."
"yeah, but your first instinct was to lie to my face."
"but, i told you the truth."
"AFTER...the my face."
"look motherfucker, (my girl's an embony goddess) i told you the truth."
"i'm not mad, i just. trust is a fragile thing, and i don't know if it can be totally repaired."
"motherfucker, how many times have you lied to me?"
"woah, how am i in trouble. you my face."
"bitch, (yes, sometimes my girl call's me bitch) you're pushing it."
"i'm pushing it because you lied?"
"now, i'm mad. i'm actually mad."
"at yourself? for lying to your lover man's face?"
"oh, so you never flirted? you never thought about dating someone else?"
"maybe i did, maybe i didn't but, i never lied about it."
"you know what? fuck you. remember how you lied about that lunch with that fat, doughy girl?"
"that was a year ago. and you forgave me, after like six months of emotional torture."
"now i'm really mad."
"let me get this straight. first, your friend is trying to hook you up with some mumble-nuts behind my back. you my face, then i catch you in it. and because you're so ashamed that you lied, you're unforgiving me for something, assassinating my character, and getting mad at me? when you're the one who lied? that is truly fucked up. and i made you breakfast two days in a row. wow. wow. and i didn't even make an assumption. i gave you the benefit of the doubt. you really know how to fuck a good thing up baby."

and then we made love. and then we went to bed. and i was in the right and she was in the wrong. and it was good.


Anonymous dancing bear said...

It doesnt get much sweeter

10:30 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats right....better dot your i's and cross your t's cause I am armed and ready with Princeton AND Yale. Oh and my name is spelt without an H. Ha

10:48 PM


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