Ken Lay is going to be Somebody's Prison Bitch

I love the headline: “ENRON Founder Lay 'Shocked' at Conviction”

"Certainly we're surprised," a shaken Lay said Thursday after a jury capped a four-month-long fraud and conspiracy trial and in its sixth day of deliberations returned guilty verdicts against him and Skilling. "I think it's more appropriate to say we're shocked. This is not the outcome we expected."

Kenneth Lay went on to say, “It shocked the hell out of us. Rich executives never go to jail.”

Skilling added, “Yeah, I mean we figured, worst case scenario a couple of months at one of those country club minimum security deals and some house arrest. But this, this is crazy.”

I wonder how “shaken” Ken Lay is going to be when the Road Dog of Cell Block 6 forces him to twist his shirt into a prison bikini and toss his salad. The only person I feel less sorry for is Michael Jackson. Throw away the key I say.

Speaking of the sexually-ambigious, I’ve decided that Homosexuals are more manly than Metrosexuals. At least Homosexuals have the balls to admit they ass. You know where Homosexuals stand. A homosexual won’t pretend to like pussy. At least a homosexual will admit to hanging around book clubs and public restrooms.

You can’t get a straight answer out of Metrosexuals. Sometimes when I see a Metrosexual putting “hair product” on his head I want to shake him real hard and say, “Pick a side mother-effer!” Get with Vagineration or hit the Cockenshpiel but quit this middle of the road crap. I want to pistol whip Metrosexuals, like when the Godfather slapped Johnny Fontaine around and told him to, “Be a man!”

Too many guys in my generation are Metro. Maybe it's all the time spent indoor with artificial light. Jesus Christ. It’s an epidemic. My Grandfather would be sick to his stomach. Look at our action heroes: Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, Josh Hartnet? They’re all Metro’s. No one believes that any of these guys could actually kick anyone’s ass. Josh Hartnet should be renamed Josh Vagina-net. Mission Impossible 3? The Mission is impossible because a short Metro White guy is killing terrorist while the Big Strong Black Dude is on the computer. Impossible. It should be the other way around. Toby McGuire? Oh my Christ. The only thing worse than being Metro is being Ghetto Metro like the Wayans brothers. Damn.

You know who started this trend? Patrick Swayze in DIRTY DANCING. It was after all that stripper dancing tight pants crap that made guys think being feminine was ok. I also blame the frizzy-white haird guy in the "boy band" Color me Badd. Let's see...don't blame Boy George 'cuz he was actaully gay. I blame Michael Jackson. He helped start the Metro-avalanche. Let's see, Hollywood from Mannequin, Richard Simmons, Screech from saved by the bell (yes he was a geek, but he was a metro geek), Kirk Cameron, Will Smith, the Power Rangers, and Sponge Bob. (I also blame the movie SINGLES).

I also blame women for trying to get men to be sensitive and get in touch with our feelings. You all tried to turn us into “girlfriends.” Sometimes when my girl asks me why I don’t tell I miss her I tell her because I have a cock and balls for Christ sake. Only a woman would miss her man just because he went to work. Men don't miss people unitl they actually leave the country for an extended amount of time. As in, "I've been in Iraq for a year, man do I miss McDonald's."

Women pressure men into acting like chicks. They want us to talk and listen, they want us "cry," they want us to say "bless you" when they sneeze. No wonder male impotence is on the rise. And now hear this: once a boyfriend has successfully morphed into a girlfriend, the woman no longer feels protected and she dumps his ass.

Your faithful servant,

Medicine Bear