Friday, March 03, 2006

Kids These Days

Last weekend we went on a hike to Mount Verdugo. Mount Verdugo is named after Jose Maria Verdugo, who was given 38,000 acres of stolen Indian land so that he could fatten up his cattle. The newer white people have renamed this area Glendale.

But as far as the hike went...

Everyone was out of shape as these photo's demonstrate. We saw lots of coyote shit (you can tell because it's furry, apparently mouse fur doesn't digest). I found one menacing tick on my shoe which made everyone strip and pick over each other like howler monkeys.

The Hike was a normal hike except for...

This Mexican/Armenian (take your pick) kid runs up to us screaming. He was trying to tell something between gulps of air. His flushed face bore some peach fuzz on his lip. His face looked like the top of a baby’s head.

What happened?

When he calmed down he recounted his tale of woe about his girlfriend . She had busted up her knee pretty bad. He begged us to help help carry her down.

Aw Hell's no...

I asked, “Is she fat?” He swore a blood oath she wasn’t porky, so we trudged up. My overweight buddies grumpled about the additional physical output required be "being nice."

She didn't look that jacked up...

The girl was laying on the ground. She was crying and cursing her skinny boyfriend. Her knee was swollen like a pregnant alien belly. She wasn’t fat, but she was definitely too big for her boyfriend “the chicken wing” to carry down by himself. She said that she didn't know how she injured herself. I asked, "Were you climbing rocks?" Tearfully she said, "No, I was just walking, and then I hear like this sound, like KRRRRK!" Goddman it. Damn chicks. Always hurting themselves in like lame ways. And then like, forcing men to do work.

But My Girl goes into action

She went totally ER on the girl. “What’s your name honey,” and “You’re going to be okay,” My Girl screamd for scissors to cut the injured girl’s pant leg off. She screamed at me, "Do something!" At one point my girl was yelling at her, “Look at me, Look at ME! Stay with me chola, stay with me!” Then she started slapping her, “Stay awake, damn it!” I had to calm My Girl down, I was like, “Hey, she just sprained her knee, she doesn’t have the Bird Flu.”

Anyways, I was real impressed with my girl’s proto-natural nurse skills. She definitely calmed the kids down, even though I could tell she was making crap up on the fly, “You’re knee cap is still in place, that popping sound was probably just a tendon tear. Just let your aorta rest and you’ll be fine. It’s just filling up with fluid.”

Then what happened?

Me and the slobs carried her down the hill while her boyfriend kept dropping his cell phone.

Looking at the boyfriend really started to piss me off. He was radiating "young punk" vibes in buckest. He weare big, baggy basketball shorts. Like, Shaquille O’Neil size. You know he never touched a basketball in his life. He probably could have used his shorts as a car cover.

Then my brain went into overdrive...

What the Hell is wrong with kids man? They would never survive outside the United States. Damn fool-ass kids, big old shorts, don’t even play sports. Mom probably pays for cell phone bill that he’s dropping all over the ground. This kid don’t know about shit. When I was kid, there were videos on MTV. And there was only ONE MTV Channel. We had to wear pagers. When someone wanted to talk to us, we had to actually walk over to a pay phone and DIAL their shit back. And none of this stored number crap. We had to actually remember it and shit, or actually write it down. None of this “I lost my cell phone, so please leave your number, so I can call you back” crap. Jokers.

I was all cranky thinking about today’s slackers, and THEN...

I noticed my buddie’s hand. He was helping carry the chick, but he was definitely also copping a feel off her ass. His hand was quivering because it had been soooooo long since he's been that close to real female flesh. All the blood in his body had drained to that area. His hand turned into a bulging, giant, pomegranate meat hook. Great. Mr. Good Samaritan. The chick’s injured and he’s squeezing her buns. Now I know why he was so willing to help.

But at the boyfriend's car...

When we brought the girlfriend to the boyfriend’s car I noticed the pipe! A weeeed pipe! one of those swirly, hand-blown glass ans IT WAS LAYING IN PLAIN VIEW! AHAAAAAAAAAH! AH HAAAAH! Numbskull kids. When I was a kid, we had to HIDE our weed. We couldn’t just leave it out in the open. We had to buy clothes with special pockets. Back then weed was still a gateway drug to heroin and shit. There was no “Medical Marijuana” legal defense excuse. There was nothing! Just you, the weed and officer friendly!

Man, kids today are really something. They’re all going to be cashiers and customer service reps. They won’t know how do anything except microwave crap, watch TV, and sue people. I blame Velcro and calculator watches. That’s how it started. They should have bootcamp in highschool. Like serious, hard, physical training for 4 years, just to toughen kids up a little. Otherwise, we’ll turn into one giant cesspool of Wal Mart Greeters. God Damn it!

I don't spell check.


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