Friday, April 07, 2006

Jeff Bridges and Saddam Hussein

Is it me or does the freaky-wax Burger King look like Jeff Bridges?


We should have killed Saddam when we had a chance. We should have shot him in the back when he was kissing dirt in that “spider hole” that they found him in. Either that or Pulp Fictioned his ass. Yanked him into the backseat of a humvee at gun point while arguing about the nature of divine intervention. And then when one of our techno-armed soldiers turned around to ask Saddam about it, humvee hits a pothole and SHLOOOP. Hussein brains all over the back seat. It should have went down like that.

Instead we got…

Some boondoggled trial. It’s weird. Why does he get to go on trial? We had no problem blowing his sons to smithereens when they were embedded in a “Reinforced Villa” in Mosul. They were in basically in a house and we leveled the son of a bitch with all the gasoline and fireworks Uncle Sam can bring to bear.

Witness exhibit A:

I mean daaaaaamn. Talk about punishing two very bad kids. Can you imagine playing XBOX and smacking burka’ed chicks around, top of the world, and then you look over the balcony and see all that fire power grinning in your face? And yet, we get Saddam and what to we do? Treat him to an American style trial.

Now I know what some so-called neo-conservative

thinkers would say, “We have to put him on trial to show the world how fair America is. We don’t want to stoop to his level.” Maaaan fuck that. Basically, the trial has turned into a reality show that allows Saddam to make America look stupid.

The way the trial is going, they must have imported the DA’s from California. Shit, don’t let America oversee a trial. We can’t prosecute shit here. We couldn’t prosecute a 40-year old sickly pale, skinny white-dude with splotchy balls for pedophilia even when he admits on TV to taking naps with little boys. We couldn’t put OJ away. The only reason we got Scott Petersen was because his wife’s corpse washed up into a town and said, “Scott killed me.”

The thing the US didn’t count on was

Saddam’s testicles. He has huge, wrinkly, giant, camel balls that shine his shoes when he walks. He is one tough mother’effer.

Even after the Uncle Sam caught him like a stuck pig,

looked for grenades in his mouth, and made him spread his cheeks, he’s back to good ‘ol Saddam. Part of the problem is that we make our criminals look too good. When they pulled him out of the hole, he looked like an Alcoholic Mexican Santa Claus. He looked wrecked. It would have been easy to prosecute him then. He looked so bad that death seemed like the next plausible option for him. It was like, “Who the hell is that ugly mother? Fuck it, fry his ass, next?” But now, he shows up in suits reciting poetry.

His balls are so big because

he is not sentimental. Make no mistake he is one hard mother’effer. when we turned his sons into cube steak, he didn’t bat a turban. He didn’t mention them once, like he never had sons. It almost seemed like he was hoping that would satisfy us. Maybe the US would figure, “Fuck this rat-infested desert with all it’s weird creepy insects and crap, we’ve been out here days and ain’t found shit. Fuck me, I need curly fries and a Red Bull right now. What? We killed his sons? Dude, good enough, let’s bail.”

Saddam is like the Middle Eastern Matlock

in court. His sons are burned up, his country is in a civil war, he’s in jail, US soldiers are throwin’ keggers in his palaces and Saddam whistles into court. His green, acidic liver must release some kind oily hormone that fuels his audacity. I mean, he still calls himself the president of Iraq and deems the court he facing “illegitimate.” He must be listening to Johnny Cochran on Tape in his cell and harnessing his legal mojo.

Prosecutor: You’ve committed genocide.

Saddam: No I didn’t. It was self-defense. Those people were trying to assassinate me. Isn’t it the duty of a leader to protect himself and his country?

Prosecutor:[Damn, think fast] An 11-year old boy? You were threatened by an 11-year old boy?

Saddam: I never killed an 11-year old boy (wink, wink).

Prosecutor: Here’s his ID card from the files. See, right here, it says he’s 11.

Saddam: What does that prove? ID cards are easy to forge. I could go to downtown Baghdad right now and buy one that says he’s 35.

Prosecutor:…[Didn’t see that coming, think real hard] Well did you sign this document ordering the execution of these people?

Saddam: Any document that has the name Saddam Hussein on it and can be PROVEN to have been signed by Saddam Hussein I take full responsibility for.

Prosecutor:…uh…[Did he answer the question?]…uh…[was that a yes?]…

The only person who could lie that good was Bill Clinton.

What strange shapes the teets of fate make when you twist them. In the end, George jr becomes another Bush who could not “rid” the world of Saddam when he had the chance. At least George sr can say he let Saddam slide by “choice.”


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