Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tom Cruise Eats Placenta

I just quit my job and maxed my credit cards out because Jesus is coming. How do I know Jesus is coming? Because Tom Cruise has just admitted that he’s going to eat his wife’s placenta and umbilical cord. What? What fool? I said…WHAT FOOL?!?!? Are you crazy? Are you out of your ever-loving mind? Birth sack?

What the hell is he talking about? Is he really that hungry? See that’s proof that white people need to eat. It just doesn’t make sense. Tom Cruise is on a diet that doesn’t permit white flour and sugar, but he can eat a salty blood sack from his wife’s uterus. Disgusting. Nonsense.

My Message to TOM:

Please, please, please tell me you are not going to eat the sack, but if you are, please tell me you are NOT going to eat it raw. Please cook it. Put it on the Foreman griller. Call Wolfgang Puck in there to make a placenta margarita’ pizza. Throw some pesto on it, throw some oregano on it, anything, just cover that flavor up, because you know it’s gross. Placenta cannot taste good. That baby is pooping and peeing in that bag, dog. What’s a matter with you?!?! You’re rich, already. You’ve won, man. Call it a day. Go home while you’re still ahead. Take a powder fool. Relax. There’s nothing left to do. Play video games. Play video games! Just don’t eat the sack! If you’re that crazy, then give me some money, damn!


Medicine Bear

Believe this…you never hear of Mexican, Blacks, or Indians eating a placenta. It just doesn’t happen. Indians might eat the heart of a freshly killed buffalo, but we aren’t crazy. Shit. Wow. It’s only April and already the news year is blowing up.

Stars should not be allowed to raise children. If you need a trainer, a manager, an agent, a lawyer, a therapist, a psychiatrist, a newly-created religion, and a publicist then you obviously can’t run your own life, how are you can raise another person. Shit. If you need a driver, then you shouldn’t be a parent.

If your next door neighbor told you that he was going to eat his wife’s birth sack, you would call the police. The LA County Sheriff’s need to break down Tom’s door, rip down all those “silence” posters and arrest his ass. Just drag him out on COPS in tighty-whitey’s like the rest of them fools on crack.

The state should take away the stars of children because they’re unfit to be parents:

1) Britney spears dropped her baby.
2) Michael Jackson waved his off a balcony and his baby too.
3) Nicole Richie looks like she was raised in a concentration camp.
4) Marlon Brando’s kid was convicted for killing somebody.
5) Tom Cruise is eating the birth sack.
6) Courtney Love is being raised by Francis Bean
7) Brad and Angelina are sacrificing their kid to Namibian Sheep Cults

To shed some light on the placenta craze, I excerpted this article from birth-eating animals (http://www.birthrites.org/placent.html)

“All species of mammal eat their placentae - but not all individual members.1 For example, some chimpanzees in captivity have been observed to eat the placenta while others leave it. Primates, in general, do consume the placenta. 2 Among other groups of mammal, for example the carnivores, the practice is universal and important to their parturition.”
So basically, Tom Cruise is a chimpanzee in captivity. This notion makes sense when you consider the “insulated” environment of a blockbuster star. Tom Cruise is officially crazy. Not just because he wants to gnaw on the afterbirth, but because he doesn’t know enough to shut up about it. Even serial killers know to keep their mouth shut.

Now the article goes on to explain that their may be a benefit to eating the birth sack—for the WOMAN! Apparently, there’s a school of thought that suggests eating the placenta will keep hormone levels in the woman up so she doesn’t experience post-partum depression. However, if the rumors are true then Tom Cruise should eat the birth sack since he is probably the female in that relationship. In fact, perhaps this is a way for Tom Cruise to ingest female hormones, since he cannot produce any on his own.

I don’t spellcheck or eat birth sacks. Shit, I’m not even going into the operating room when my wife drops her kid. Hell no. I’m smoking cigars in the waiting room.


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