Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Fighting with My Girl and Freaky Names

Yo, yo, yo. Fools. [how the hell did pirate jargon ever become hip-hop lingo?] let’s see, got into a fight with my girl over the three-day weekend, which really made it more like a 2-day weekend since one day was spent with my guts twisted up, playing telephone brinksmanship, teetering between calling her to apologize and or calling the UN to initiate trade sanctions against her. I won’t go into to the details because the big evil fight-genie has been smashed back into the bottle. Last thing I need is to reignite relationship woes. Damn. Recapping a boyfriend/girlfriend fight is like trying to circumcise and elephant. No matter which side you start on, you’re bound to piss off the beast and get trampled. Best to just leave it alone and be thankful you still got your balls [or thankful that she’s got your balls in safekeeping…just kidding, my sweetie, just kiddin…pudding pop…shhhhh…no more fighty...easy…no more pointy figure in face…easy].

Anyways, my boy and I (he’s got terrible woeful tales of chubbiness too) are about to embark on a food review. On the real too. No bullshit, no ass kissing, no bastard juggling. Straight up food reviews on the LA food scene. We’re going to lay the straight dope on you about the best pastrami in LA, the best tacos, where to go. We picked thru Oprah’s garbage to find out which little snackipoos the wildebeest is eating. I’ll keep you posted when the big roll out is finally announced. We’ve been doing research.

I don’t know what it is about a fight with my girl, but it like makes me kind of horny. It’s weird. Like, the zone of fighting makes her seem like a brand new chick when we make up. It’s almost as if her anger towards me resets my vagina meter or perhaps zaps my penile-memory so that it doesn’t recognize her kitty. Bizarre.

Over the weekend, I went to and Indian casino with my cousin and his wife. They are planning to have a baby at sometime in the future and they have been racking their brains over a good name. They finally came up with a name but when I asked them about it, they were more secretive than the Bush administration. Apparently they have discovered name gold.

I asked them what was the kid’s name and His Wife said: We’re not telling anyone.
Me: What? Why not?
HW: Because, we don’t want it out there in the universe.
Me: You don’t want it out in the universe?
HW: Yeah, it’s a good name, and we don’t want other couple’s stealing her name. If we put out there, then it’ll probably pop up in the minds of others.
Me [woah…what?] Isn’t it already in the universe if you two have already thought of it? [two could play these cosmic mindgames]
HW: Yeah, but it’s only US TWO who know. That’s not a lot of energy.
Me: yeah, but if you’re applying all that energy to contain it, the energy has probably created her double in the alternate universe.
Then my cousin piped up: That’s fine.

Apparently it was perfectly acceptable for My cousin, His Wife, and their Future Baby’s Alternate-Universe Double, to know their future baby’s name. This would not cause their precious name to be as common as Jennifer or Shaliqua.

I don’t know. For all this secrecy this name better be fucking good. Like when they say it, it better sound trumpets from heaven and Jesus better fly in on winged Hawaiian Tropic Models. That name better open secret walls in cliffs leading to crazy Pharoah gold and shit. Dude, that’s it. I’m going to name my kid, Open Sesame. That way when I yell at him, there’ll be a chance for me to come up on some treasure.

Anyways, when they’ve released the child’s name I shall post it here.

American-Name Thing

The whole name-thing is an annoying phenomenon. Back in the day, names were pretty normal crap. You were supposed to name your kid after a relative or something. But now, the shit’s wide open. American’s today think that they’re going to name their kid something original. They like add shit that ain't supposed to be there or conjoin two names that don't belong, or my favorite: every chick has some guy name that they think would be real cool to name their daughter. Woah, that's real origninal Alex.

Parents also think of naming as “staking out” their territory. Sort of like back in the land grab days when fool’s raced to get a plot of land and claim it for their families. Now people race to claim their child’s name before anyone else. That’s why dopey stars name their kids Scout, or Apple, or Francis Bean and shit. You actually might overhear people grumbling because they came up with a name that caught like wild fire. People lament that when they named their kid “Jade” it was not popular, but now, it’s everywhere. I’ve even heard of some people changing their kid’s name 12 years after their birth because the name became common.

How did the new style Aemrican Name Project get started?

I think it comes from three different sources: 1) Indians: let’s face it. Native American’s have some bad ass names. My name is medicine bear. Kids named Tim and Kenny must have hated their parents.

“Medicine Bear?”
“What motherfucker?!?”

See how my name just brings power and poise? There's an intrinsic strength there. Indian names call into question the masculinity of regular American names. They make Western White names seem like metrosexual names. All of a sudden Steve, Wayne, Michael, all sound…well, gay. So I think Indians made Americans want to have some bad ass names [badd ass is an Indian name, as well as his cousins Good Dick, Freak-a-zoid, and Land-o-Lakes...keep laughing motherfucker, you won't laugh when I scalp your shit.].

2) Blacks: Black people after getting shipped, whooped, and beat down were like, “Fuck it, if I ain’t going to win the American Lottery, then I might as well make up my own names. Either that or pull out some motherland shit.” Malcolm X pointed it out. He was like, these aren’t “our” names. These are oppressive slave dude names. It’s kind of true. I mean, it’d be sort of like football. Imagine if after the Seattle Seahawks lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers the Seahawks had to call themselves the Seattle Steelers for the rest of the year. Crazy right? It’s pretty much the same, except football was fair, had referees, pads, and fools get paid. But other than that it’s the same. So Blacks rightfully started creating their own names and that too threw the American Naming system into jeopardy: It made people with names like Tom, Frank, Charlie seem like they had uncreative, conformist parents. Parents who lacked backbones and imagination. It’s almost as if their parents got lazy and were like, “Fuck it, we just got done humping, puking, nine months of pregnancy, and pushing this thing out a vagina, plus doctor’s bills, I can’t think of no cool names, let’s just call him Chris and call it a day.”

The final factor that has changed the American naming system: Corporations. Corporations go around trying to “brand” their product. Think of the Swoop and Nike. Think of Burger King and that freaky, plastic-faced, kill-mommy-and-daddy King. McDonald’s has their creepy clown. Mouse=Disneyland. Green Spooge=Nickelodeon. Klan hoods=Denny’s. Cheney=Bloody Chest. Angelina Jolie=Freaky Slut. You get the picture. I think that a lot of American parents are actually trying to “brand” their child by giving him/her a “special” name. This way their kid stands out in a crowd. Perhaps gets more attention from the teacher. This extra attention might spawn a creative personality and the snowball effect will create someone super successful. The strange name will cause them to become a superstar like “Condoleezza Rice.” Of course, oddly enough, people with strange names usually change them to something real normal once they’re in the public eye, like wayne brady or will smith, or prince, who went so far as to pretend he didn’t have a name.

The whole thing is crazy. It’s actually a nightmare for teachers who have to call roll. They should just put barcodes on a kid's forehead and name them after their social security numbers. Maybe then kids would stop looking at the differences between each other and work together. Or maybe they should just call everyone, “Hey You!” Anyways, I’m trying to stop the flood of creative name crap because it makes my name more ordinary. Jealous bastards. I use to be a freak with a name like Medicine Bear, now I’m just another asshole with weird parents. It must be a plot by those bitter ordinary name jerks. The Sean’s, Lesie’s, and Mary’s of the world are trying to create a country with weird named people so that their ordinary names become special again. They must be stopped.

I don’t Spell Check.


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