Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Pretentious Assness and Starbucks Line Syndrome

"Obviously, my tastes and my priorities have changed. But I am still asking the question 'Why?' Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I'm not still a rebel and that I don't want to go in the face of convention and challenge the system."

Pretension. I’ve been guilty of it. That’s for sure:

Flight to the Bahamas. British Airways. Age 11. Fat...

I had eaten one of the best airplane meals ever: pot roast. I was so moved by the food that I pushed the “Call Stewardess” button. The middle-aged woman came and asked me if I needed anything, “No, no. I just wanted to say. That was the best airplane meal I ever had. And I’ve flown a lot. Good stuff.” The stewardess didn’t say anything and left. I remember thinking, “what the Hell’s her problem? You try to compliment someone and they shit all over you. Jeez.” It wasn’t until years later, when I was slicing spicy salami at a deli that I realized what an ass I had been. A total pretentious ass.

Pretension is a specious allegation; a pretext. An ostentatious display; pretentiousness, according to I’m not looking up “specious” or “Ostentatious.”

The scariest thing about being pretentious is that it’s mostly unconscious. Until someone else points it out or upon reflection you will not know. Then one day your skin erupts into gooseflesh from the scalding knowledge that you had been a pretentious ass.

"I'm from Iowa, we don't know what cool is!"
Ashton Kutcher

Signs that you are pretentious:

1. You call second-hand shirts “vintage.”
2. You grew up in a wealthy suburb but you call your white friends “dog.”
3. You smoke cigars like it was high-grade weed.
4. You really believe that a strip club is a “gentleman’s club.”
5. You tell people how to eat properly even though you’re fat.
6. you tell people how to eat properly but you're a skinny fat person.
7. You buy turntables and records to start DJ’ing but its 2006.
8. You buy a CD mixer so it sounds like you’re DJ’ing with real turntables.
9. You tell someone hw much you loved a book even though you only read 1/3 of it.
10. You strip for a living but you call yourself a “dancer.”
12. The reason you don’t keep up on current events is because the “world is too depressing.”
13. Halle Berry
14. You try to invent a new way to say goodbye as in, “Be comfy, cozy, cool.”
15. You start phrases with, “I’m the type of person that…”
16. You walk around telling people Greenday is NOT punk rock.
17. You tell people that Ozzy jumped the shark when he got on MTV.
18. You get steamed by the fair-weather fans claiming X-Men, but they weren’t with you in the trenches when it was just a comic book for 7th grade losers.
19. Your designer jeans have splattered paint on them but you don’t paint.
20. You wear a T-Shirt that says, “Slut” or “Porn Star.”
21. You’re a young republican.
22. You are a guitar player in a band and you give yourself a nickname with an article in it, as in THE Edge. In fact, all of U2 is pretentious.
23. On you’re my Space account you post things like, “I don’t like fake people,” or “No Drama.”

Starbucks Line Syndrome

The great hall of pretentious chatter can be heard in a Starbucks line. When people speak to each other in the Starbucks line they know other’s are listening. The Caffeine Pushers create a captive audience of twitchy-zombies waiting for their drug. So people speak in that “I know you’re listening to how ___________ I am by my conversation.”

Insert these words: Smart, Interesting, Funny, Original, and of course Awesome

Starbucks Line Syndrome, or SLS can contaminate dialogue very subtly. One minute you’re telling your friend about the hamburger you just ate, the next minute you can hear yourself slip into an ironic anecdote about “grilling animal flesh.” The only thing I hate more than Starbucks Line Syndrome is those who look around for crowd reaction to their latest zany zinger. I wish it socially-appropriate to slap people with a raw meat in public. Just WHAM! T-Bone to the dome mother-effer!

"I think white people are allowed to say 'bling'. They are allowed to say old-school black slang, like 'hottie' and 'homie'. Actually, I do not think that (white people) are allowed to use slang until it is at least a year old. If you say a slang word too early, it's like you're trying to be black. So as long as the slang is a little played out, you're all good."
Kanye West

Today I got in line down at the corporate ant hill where I sit on my ass. I stood behind this short woman with a huge badunkadunk (according to Kanye, I can use after-market black slang). I’m definitely a gawker. I saw this ass from around the corner. Something about little women with big asses really froths my milk. Anyways, I was wondering what it’s be like to grab her cheeks and just pull, when the guy next her announced:

Guy Next To Her: Did I tell you I’m getting a billiard room?
Big Assed Short Lady: No.

[what an ass…no not her, the guy. Did I tell you I’m getting a billiard room? Any phrase that begins with “Did I tell you…” is bound to be pretentious. What kind of butt-loafed clown gets billiards? That’s some fucking Clue-board game shit. This is America Colonel Mustard. What’s he going to do, play snooker? Ass.]

GNTH: Yeah, you know where the room downstairs where we store my vintage wine?

The Woman does the “I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-you’re-talking-about-but-I-do-not-want-to-get-into-it-because-this-is-already-wearing-me-out” nod.

GNTH: Yeah, well I’m turning it into a billiard room.
BASL: I saw that movie hustle and flow.
GNTH:…(at this point he’s looking around to see who knows that he’s getting a Billiards room.)
BASL: I thought it was good. Did you see that movie?
GNTH: I fell asleep. (SLAM! In your face! You don’t think billiards are interesting? Well I don’t think Hustle&Flow is interesting. You’d rather succumb to the low class rap/pimp pop legends than elevate yourself with a refreshing billiards discussion, my billiards, my balls? How dare you! Now I say, you’re topic is stupid!)
BASL: I saw Da Vinci Code.
GNTH: I can’t remember when I saw a good movie. You know that? I can’t remember the last time I saw a good movie.

(Repetition of a statement is a dead give-away for Starbucks Line Syndrome)

Although bad movies are abundant, for some reason the way he proclaimed it in that Starbucks Line Bravado made him very dickish. I mean, so the fuck what? No one has seen a good movie lately. You think you’re the only one. If you think that what is happening to you is somehow unique to you, chances are you’re pretentious.

Then with a theatrical turn, kind of like when Matlock realizes that the witness has walked into on his down-home cross-examination traps, the dude says, “Except maybe March of the Penguins. March of the Penguins was the last good movie I saw.” By now he was as loud as the town crier.

Jesus Christ. What an insufferable turd. Ok we get, you’re really intellectual and boring. You play Billiards and watch documentaries about male birds who act like women. That’s probably why you fall asleep in movies, you bore yourself. Anyways, it’s right about now in this diatribe that’s its starting to dawn on me how pretentious it is to have a blog and email it to people and expect them to read my rants, and then put a counter on the bottom that only reads: 187. Yep. I’m an ass.


Medicine Ass

"I've always had a great voice. You either have it or you don't. It's something you're born with. I'm a brand, a model, an artiste, an actress, a designer. I write books."
Paris Hilton


Anonymous Anonymous said...

F'ing brilliant! One minor complaint: pretention cuts across party lines. I have met many pretentious young Democrats. They're almost as bad as die-hard Libertarians.


3:36 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home