Monday, June 05, 2006

The Break Up and My Girl's Banana

Is it me or does the President of Iran look like Corporal Klinger from MASH? Either that of Jamie Farr is the President of a Mulim Fundaemntalist Country.


I was sold a Bill of Goods on Aniston’s new movie The Break Up. She’s not naked. My girl said she got totally nude and I believed her. There are blurry shots of her where you can’t see crap and then you see her ass as she walks away. But that ass isn’t her ass. I know about Movie Magic. That was body-double ass…

Not that Aniston is all that hot, it’s just…well, it’s weird being a dude. Dudes want nudity. We need nudity. The way a farmer needs the soil. Sesame Street stresses the importance of imagination, but men have been imagining women naked since we figured out how to draw in the dirt. When God made our brains she designated a large portion of it to wondering what chicks look like naked. That’s how you know God is a woman. Only a woman could create a devious trick like that. Only a Female God would know to implant a desire for nudity so powerful, it would enable men to withstand the trials of female conversation. This was the Woman God’s way of protecting women from loneliness.

We wonder what the teacher looks like naked. We wonder what the girls in class look like naked. In some marriages, the husband is still wondering what his wife looks like naked. Yes, its true, we even wonder what Hillary Clinton, Laura Bush, Betty White, Dr. Ruth, Kathy Griffin, Martha Stewart, Lois from family guy, Blondie, Helen Keller. You name her, we’ve imagined it. Even inanimate things like, mannequins. No man can ever say that he never imagined what a “clothed” mannequin looked like naked, even though he already knows. In fact, every hetero-male has wondered what the Statue of Liberty looks like naked. We know, it’s a statue, we know that there is nothing “under” the robe, it’s a sculpture, nothing but steel girders, BUT, it is French and we do wonder what she looks like naked.

When I was a kid, I was real messed up. There was a period of time in the 3rd Grade, where I wondered if people were naked all the time. For some reason, the strange thought occurred to me that maybe clothes were an illusion. Perhaps some sorcerer or god and put clothes on everyone and they only appeared when I was looking. Perhaps we were all really naked and this WAS the Garden of Eden. So what did I do? I’d whip my head around real fast and try to catch people being naked before there magic clothes would appear. It’s amazing I survived youth at all. What made me think that I could turn my head faster than magic clothes could appear?

I could go on about nudity for years. Dr. Who could get in his time machine, travel one thousand years into the future and dig up my grave, rip my dusty skeleton out of the coffin and my skull would still be chattering about nudity.

However, The Break Up was pretty good.

By the way, my girl is the most defiant girl in the world. She will do anything in the world if you ASK her, but TELL her to do something and it’ll never get done. She would suffocate if you told her she ought to breathe.

Point in Case:

The other day, My Girl slapped me twice with an unpeeled banana. I don’t remember what I said, but she hit me on one side with the yellow fruit and on then on the other. She recounted over, and over how she assaulted with a banana:

My Girl: Baby, that shit was funny. I went like this (swings banana) and your face was like (shakes her head). Should have videotaped that shit. What does it feel like to be with such a funny ass woman? (long sigh as she looks out the window) You should have seen your face. Funny. Shit.

I let her have her fun. “Laugh it up,” I thought, “We’ll see who the jokester is when I slap your face with my banana tonight.”

Anyways, after the mall, when we got back in the car I noticed the strong smell of bananas.

I was like, “What the Hell?” My darling angel left the banana peel on the floor of the car. We were at a mall, with tons of trash cans but she just left the banana peel there.

Then I dropped her off and she sprang out of the car without grabbing the banana peel. So I threw it out the window and said, “Throw away your banana peel.”

You would have thought I had just told the Sovereign Queen of England to wipe my lily-white ass. I didn’t know there were that many different facial expressions. She said, “I know you did not just throw that banana peel at me to pick up off the ground like some dog.”

“Aw shit,” my mind threw up its hands, “Here it comes.” I said, “Baby, I wasn’t throwing it AT you, just pick up YOUR banana peel.”

When my girl is in her Righteous Oprah Anger, she always repeats herself, “I know you did not just throw that banana peel at me to pick up off the ground like some dog.”

At that moment I did the only thing I could think of—I stepped on the gas and left her there with her banana peel. Even though her head got smaller in the back window, the size of her indignation remained the same. But it was worth it. Oh my god it was sooooo worth it. I felt like a man. I felt strong. I showed her. They say a Snickers really satisfies, but not as much as leaving your girlfriend next to a banana peel she SHOULD have picked up in the first place. It was totally worth it, even when I went back and picked the banana up and threw it away.




Blogger ninabit said...

"What made me think that I could turn my head faster than magic clothes could appear?" fucking brilliant!!!

11:37 PM

Blogger Idham said...

*was here*very interesting reading...
will be back.


3:54 AM

Blogger johnny 5 said...

duuude.. i can't believe you WENT BACK for that damn banana peel!?! it's like you just flushed your winning lottery ticket. damn.

1:59 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are whipped. that's sad.

7:22 PM


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