Tuesday, May 10, 2005

ugly people don't need photoshop

uhg...2 days ago me and my friend got obsessed on uglypeople.com. it was like a feeding frenzy. but there were like a lot of photoshop pictures and that kind of pissed me off. it ruins the qulaity of the ugly people product to have fake pictures. what's the point of looking at an ugly person if it's not real? the whole point you look at an ugly person is because you can't believe that somebody is"really that ugly." and then you feel better because you're not that ugly. and by the way, i am soooooooo sick of that old fart that's on every postcard with his bottom lip wrapped around his nose. sick of it. somebody find a new ugly octagenarian. we need fresh ugly, old people now.

this morning i was talking to some friends. and like usual i offended them. blanca was talking about the da vinci code. (side bar: i'm sick of the da vinci code. who cares about some old ass mystery. what if the bible is wrong? hello, it was written thousands of years ago on clay and parchment and has been traslated thousands of times...chances are it's wrong, if the new york times doesn't fact check their reporters, what makes you think abraham did?)

anyways, she was talking about the da vinci code. then donia said they were making a "movie" out of it. (great, that's all i need. jason biggs + christian contreversey = more rush limbaugh) anyways, then i said, "Now everyone will know the truth about jesus."

and then like usual the room went quiet. they were offended. i haven't even read the da vinci code but they went back to their offices wordlessly. excuse me, cubicles. when they read this, they'll probably be mad that i didn't change their names. if they yell at me i'll write about that.

i like them a lot. i mean, they took me out for my birthday. they took me to soup plantation which is basically a 21st century smorgasbord.

my soup plantation list of gluttony

1 plate of actual vegetables
1 pail of bleu cheese dressing
2 bowls of totrtilla soup
3 chocolate brownies
4 pieces of cheese pizza
2 cornbreads
1 chocolate sundae (brownie underneath ice cream, plus i used a giant soup bowl instead of their tiny sized "desert cups.")


yeah, i can't tell you which one of my friends because i think i was sworn to secrecy but one of them swears she talks in tongues. i think i am really in trouble now, but if god didn't want me to write this he'd hit me with a plague of locusts right now...let's see...any locusts? nope. just sexually frustrated admnistrators with scoriosis scabs.

this is how i discovered that god is speaking through my friend:

i was leaving the office late. we were talking about whatever garbage i usually talk about and then the cleaning woman (complete with a bandana on her head) out of the blue told us she loved to pray. then she went on about how she speaks in tongues. she told us that the devil can't even tempt her, though he's tried many times, she is impervious to all evil. she said all this with a mop in her hand and leaning on her trash can.

i was stunned. i never knew that ucla had a born again custodial staff. i imagine late at night, they hold tent revivals in the James Bridges theater. Probably all kinds of blind janitors are slapped by this woman and then their vision is restored.

anyways after all that this is what happened:

ME: wow.

My Friend: I know.

m: speaking in tongues? woah.

mf: i know. it happens to a lot of people.

m: (shocked) do you believe it?

mf: it's happened to me.

m: (woah) you? you speak in tongues?

mf: yeah. when i'm praying sometimes it just comes out.

m: are you kneeling when you pray?

mf: (eyeing me like, "what's wrong with you boy?) of course.

m: and then gibberish just comes out?

mf: it's not gibberish.

m: of course not. did i say gibberish, it's just, well what do you say?

mf: at first i was embarrassed. and then someone said let it out. go with it. and then it just came out.

m: what? what does it sound like?

mf: SLAMHALOTULAHREREREREOILEILIKEERWIB....

m: (cracking up)

mf: this is just between me and you alright?

m: are you going to kil me now?

mf: if you keep acting like a fool i will.

and that's how i found out that there are people in my school that pay taxes, eat donuts, complain about guys, run out of staples, use excel, use access, and also god speaks through them.

wow.

3 Comments:

Blogger tulips4me said...

medicine bear, I'm going to stay away from you for the rest of the day; you'll probably be struck by lightening later in the day or have an accident on your way home on your scooter. Not that I'm wishing any of this on you, but you never know what will happen to a blasphemer.

1:31 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I pray that God humble you and make you repent for the blasphemous things you have said in this blog. I will also be keeping my distance from you today. May God have mercy on you medicine bear. You best watch out!

1:51 PM

 
Anonymous PattO said...

absolutely hilarious! genius too! by the way... you're so F'in hot. let's get together get some coke and a hooker.

7:44 PM

 

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