Monday, September 26, 2005

Couple's counseling

wooooooooohoooooooo!!!!!!!! sakes alive and lawd have mercy. i am the champion.

my girl convinced me to go to couples counseling. why? because, well...because i'm not ready to get married yet. (look at the last three am i going to provide dough for a marriage?) anyways, the consensus around the "relationship" campfire is that your boy is a commitment phobe who just needs to nut up and lay his sack on the plate. at least that's what my girl's friends are saying. i don't know why women insist on using "castration" language when referring to commitment. it certainly doesn't make me feel any safer.

anyways, look, i got a top notch girl. she's got firm skin. an ass like tadow. i'm serious. even gay men look at her ass and say goddamn. she's got perfect breasts. beautiful lips and beautiful eyes. in fact, last saturday we went to get soulfood with my friend mike white (who is a cross between fred sanford and louis armstrong) and the black chef came out of the kitchen and said to my girl:

black chef: [hands on her hips] Now look. you are a stunning child. look at that face. look at those eyes.

and then she ducked back into the kitchen to fry up some lima beans and bacon. you should have seen my girl, she was so pleased with herself. i had to hear about all day. i told my girl that lady probably just got out of prison.

anyways, my girl is hot. oh and she's got a great personality...she's more than just a pretty face...balh-blah...anyways, but i'm not ready to get hitched. that's it.

so we got to couple's counseling. and i'm totally freaked. i mean, anytime you go to counselors and what not, there's no telling what could happen, like setting fireworks off indoors. i've seen some dudes go into the psych-room normal, hetero men and come out with a lisp and a pink rat tail. it's spooky. and this counselor is batting a thousand amongst the estrogen posse. all of my girl's friends got married (applying more pressure on me) and this counselor got all the credit. so i was doomed.

we go in there and we start laying it on the line, and then it happens:

counselor: ok, ______ why don't you want to get married?

me: because i'm just not ready.

c: look at her when you talk?

me: [turning about a quarter inch for fear of eye gouging] i'm not ready.

c: [to my girl] did you hear what he said?

my girl: yeah but-

c: did you hear what he said?

my girl: of course b-

c: what did he say?

mg: [looking down at the ground] he wasn't ready.

c: do you want to force a guy who'd not ready to get married to get married?

mg: i guess not.

c: so from now on, you keep your mouth shut.

[my mouth drops. did she just say...oh shit, she just said...oh my god]

me: hiyaaaah ahahhhh ahaha this is an indian holy day....hiyaaaaaaaa i see rain clouds on the horizon...[i'm dancing around the counselor]

later my girl and i hugged. it was such a vulnerable moment for her and i. it was touching because we had communicated our inner most hearts, in a safe place and we still loved each other. was this one more step on the path? i touched her beautiful cheek and sad, "baby, this wasn't about right or wrong...BUT I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!"

and then i pumped my fist in the air.

because i don't spellcheck.


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