Thursday, July 21, 2005

does jeff foxworthy's schtick work for the tragically ghetto?

everytime i see that miller high-life champ jeff foxworthy do his redneck schtick i want to kill myself by drowning in hamburger helper. he's not even a red neck. his real name is david kippurstein, and he's from long island. he was a yale mba who researched markets and found that the "white trash" market was underserved in comedy. so he bacame jeff foxworthy...and the white trash market is STILL unserserved in comedy. anyways, i decided if a jew could make red neck lists, then an indian could make ghetto lists.

are you ghetto? (if you're even questioning it, then congratulations, here's free package of kool-aid)

if your job requires a uniform. you're ghetto. if you're working at UPS and you think to yourself, "so what if i have a uniform, a suit is a uniform too, so are doctor's scrubs," and that rationalization makes you feel better, then you're way ghetto.

if you add the suffix, "izzo" or "izzle" at the end of words, and you have zero entourage, and no escalade with gun ports. ghett-whoa!

if you think battling koreans at a swap meet for a good price on socks is preparing you to be a good business man, here's your MFA in ghettology.

if you're prepaying minutes for your phone, and basically, you've got nothing to say, but you keep running out of minutes, because you're jobless and spend your time talk to other jobless "homies" about "coming up." ghetto.

if you're asian, and your dad wears his pants up at his armpits and has a golf hat, but you lower your car, listen to 50 cent, and call people "dog." you're so ghetto that a check cashing business will probably open up next to you.

if you're white but act like an east LA gangbanger named "sad eyes", then you're ghetto.

if you're an obese white woman but speak ebonix then you're extremely ghetto.

if you have ever sipped creamer directly from those individual containers, welcome to ghettoberg.

if you see a vending machine service man restocking "snacks" and the thought of stealing a box of funyuns crosses your mind, then you are a ghetto savant.

if you eat the "burnt" unpopped popcorn kernels, you are ghetto.

if someone has ever asked you if you've seen a movie, and you haven't, but you lied, even though there was nothing to gain, you are ghetto.

if you have ever crossed a street and stared down a driver with the "i dare you to run over me motherfucker" eyes, and you know a 2-ton car would kill you, then you're ghetto.

if you've stared down a car, but just before that, you got off the bus, then ghetto is your life.

if you have ever run out of "jelly" and had to make a peanut butter and "syrup" sandwich then you are ghetto. especially if you tried to pretend it was tasty, even though you were alone.

if you've ever worn a sock "two-days-in-a-row" because you didn't do laundry then you're a ghetto freak.

if you go to a club, and at the door the boucer asks for your ID and you left it at home, and try to passive agressively force your friends to go back home to get it, then you're ghetto.

if you know you don't have your ID before you get to the club, and don't say shit because you're afraid of looking ghetto, and hope that in some freak twist of fate you won't need ID at the door, then you get there and the bouncer asks for ID and you pretend to look for it, knowing full well you don't have it, and try to play it off like you forgot it. then you're four wheel drive ghetto.

if you have ever melted kraft singles cheese on saltine crackers and called them "nachos" then you are ghetto.

if you take shopping cart beyond the parking lot of a supermarket then you're ghetto.

ghetto bullet points:

if you've ever smoked "flavored" cigarettes. ghetto
if your glove compartment doubles as a trash bin. ghetto.
if the only daily routine you have is filling the air in your tire. ghetto.
if any part of your car is a different color than the rest. ghetto.
if any of your tattoos are "works in progress" ghetto.
if you have fast food wrappers on the floor of your car. ghetto.
if you think magic mountain is a good place for dates. ghetto.
if you saved up for an expensive watch but eat frozen burritoes. ghetto.
if most of your conversations start with "i'm going to," or, "about to." ghetto
if your shoes are nicer than you're car. ghetto.
if you watch reruns of roseanne. ghetto.
if you're looking for a job...tomorrow. ghetto.

and sadly...

if you write a blog and expect good shit to come out of it, then you're a ghettoloid. especially if you make a list defining ghetto.

i don't spell check, and that is ghetto.


Blogger ninabit said...

How about:
You are ghet-to if you take revenge on your boss by wearing the same outfit to work three days in a row.

12:10 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you think you are a gangsta thug while wearing a velour jumpsuit that has a warner bros or disney character emroidored
On it. Happiest place on earth ghetto!!!!!!!!!!!

12:39 PM

Blogger Bunker said...

So basically we're all ghetto.

Good call on the "staring down a car" tip. If you cross against the light or jaywalk such that you force a car to slow down or stop, then you are flexing some "ghetto empowerment".

12:46 PM

Anonymous Mundopapa said...

If someone says they gonna spam you and it makes you ghetto...

4:30 PM


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