Monday, July 18, 2005

the truth on strippers

the thin white chick was in full effect at work today, apparently, she went to vegas with her ex-boyfriend. according to her they didn't do anything, despite the dangerous fact that he "stayed" in her room. apparently she's not over her other ex enough to be with this ex. my eyes glazed over while she rained relationship drama on me, but then she said she went to the strip club:

thin white chick: i was at the strip club, it wasn't good.

me: saw a lot of male ugliness, eh?

twc: no, there was a lot of couples there. it made me think of my big, big ex-love and i was depressed. i was like, i gotta get out of here.

me: wow. you know what. that's exactly how men feel at strip clubs.

twc: if i felt that way, i can't imagine how a man feels.


in the movies strip clubs seem like well lit, classy affairs, designed to fulfill men's fantasy. but in the real world a strip club is reminiscent of some dirty mall in bakersfield. low ceilings, sloppy neon lights, dank and dirty, and way too much silent desperation. i know, because i've been to a few. and no matter how much one of theses flesh joints wants to call themselves a gentlemen's club, you still gotta check your self respect at the door with a bouncer named vic who's name tag also reminds you that the ladies are "hands off."

strip clubs for men are real serious business. deadly. just like those asian dudes playing poker in the casino. hat pulled low. arms folded. money stack strategically placed. and a bunch of abstract strategies that this guy ain't looking to share with anybody else. the first thing that hits you at a strip club is that it ain't much fun, then you're smacked in the face by stripper perfume.

anyways here are some male types at the strip club:

1) first time guy, usually characterized by having the biggest grin, or too embarrassed to look directly at the woman (or her parts). somtimes accompanied by friends who are hitting him and pushing him up to the stage, often there's a little "displaced" homosexual comraderie going on. throws his money away like it grows on trees.

2) jaded expert, this guy ain't no rookie, you can tell by how he sips the "2-drink minimum drinks," nice and slow. still wearing his work clothes. acknowledges no other "male" existence in the hussy hut. focussed like a big game hunter.

3) the dreamer, this guy talks to the girl while she's giving him a lap dance. he believes that during AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" he can "develop" a relationship with the stripper and possibly find romance. this type of dude actually liked the movie "pretty woman" and believes strippers are searching for some "nice-guys-finish-last" idiot to rescue them. this type has another name, "loser." his distinguishing characteristic is his "post-strip-club" blow by blow accounting, "...and i think she really liked me. i'm serious. she would have given me her phone number, but she just moved here from Winetka, and doesn't have a phone yet."

6) mr. hard to get, this guy is one step removed from the dreamer. essentially they both want to go home with a stripper. but "mr. hard-to-get" won't buy a lap dance from anyone. he thinks this creates an air of mystery around him, as if the buzz in the stripper-backroom is all about the "strange man" who won't buy a lapdance.

7) cheap bastard: same as mr. hard-to-get, except he's not trying to go home with anyone. he's silently beating himself up for paying the cover charge. in the wild, this guy's call usually goes like this, "for that amount of money, i could by FIVE magazines!"

8) angry man, this is the scariest type, this guy is known to heckle the ladies, and also ball his dollar bills up and hurl them at her. this type is to be avoided at all cost, but in a strange twist of fate, a lot of strippers are drawn to this type. which is a shame, since most of these guys still live with their mothers, usually in the basement, rocking in a chair and perfectly preserved because psycho son had her stuffed after he choked her.

9) captain holier than thou, this guy is a lot like angry man except his ire is directed at the men. and even though he thinks strip clubs are stupid, and wants to tell you he'd "never HAD to pay for it," he did pay cash to get into the club and he can't take his eyes of the naked chicks.


no man is immune to a strip club. no matter how smart you are. no matter how "inside" you are. even if you know it's economic shake down, even if you know it's sick, you may be a psychaitrist or even alan greenspan. when you step into a room of naked chicks you, somewhere deep inside of you, way, deep, under everything, further down than your childish fears is a voice, a wee little voice and it's saying, "i could probably get these chicks, if i really tried. you know why? because i'm not like these other perverts. i'm different. i bet one of these girls knows i'm different. i'm not like them. i swear. maybe one of these chicks actually might really like me,"


the following is a case study, intended soley for the purpose of instruction.

a while back a man named _____ ______ told me he went to a strip club. he was working the "mr. Hard-to-get" racket. and to his surprise it worked. a stripper approached him and invited him to a club after her show. thrilled, he accepted. he met her at _____________ which was a punk rock bar. he wasn't into punk rock at all but because he was invited by a stripper he was committed to fake interest. once inside the stripper asked him dance. he has two left feet but he was not going to let that stand in the way of a possible stripper-bang. as they were dancing my friend's eyes were glued to her chest, and then she punched him in the face. she was moshing. punk rock music require a lot of hitting and pushing and my friend is basically a pussy and avoids confrontation at every turn, and even though he was getting mad, he hung in there. eventually she invited up to her apartment where all his confusion and anger suddenly evaporated. at her apartment she complained about a soreness in her shoulders and asked my friend to rub her back. she took off her shirt (which is probably no big deal to her) and he rubbed her back. anticipating all the sweet holy twisted sex he was about to have and that's when the doorbell rang. the topless stripper opened the door revealing another woman. the stripper told my friend that this was her girlfriend. my buddy almost fainted from gratitude and thanked his lucky stars and then the stripper told him to "get the fuck out of here." he tried to stay but the strippers made him leave the apartment sans happy ending. my friend had to walk the pre-dawn streets frustrated and thinking about the wild manuevers going on up in the apartment. he is now in a 12 step program.

i don't spellcheck


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once went to a strip club in Vegas with a bunch of guys including an old buddy who was Barely Dere. Now he was a novice and I think a first timer at this mostly because he lived way the fuck outside any city or skanky town where David Lynch would choose to locate a film. The rest of us were strip club veterans who had developed several key rules of the game and certain techniques to enhance the experience and cut thru the crap. Unprepared, an unwiting guy can run into some strange and, as we like to say in the world of helping people, challenging situations. OK. Like the stripper (Thin White Chick with enough clit bolts to lock down the hood of an El Camino) who yelled at me one night "let's go let's go let's go." I gave her $10 to go away. Like anything, a guy (or gal I suppose) is going to do better with a little seasoning, some tournament legs. Strip club rules: (1) never go with the first one that approaches you. Take a little time. Get to know her. Otherwise you end up with the first girl who's got tits like Mt. Whitney. (2) Never wear a belt. It make grinding unpleasant for her. Gives you a chance to show "appreciation" and "stripper sensitivity." Think girl-friendly wear. Velvet or terrycloth pants. Avoid denim. (3) Always negotiate the terms before heading for the back room, i.e., genital contact, freedom for the hands, and anything else you like. Believe me, if you are in a Vegas club the girl is out there working who will close your deal. Don't follow the rules and you end up like ole Barely Dere. He probably threw $100 in 20s at a blonde weightlifter who brought her own dumbbells with her, about 15 lbs apiece.

10:00 PM


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