Friday, September 23, 2005

i hate interviews

...well, i've been interviewing for jobs. i hate interviews. it's worse than going on blind dates set up on the internet. the date never looks like their photo. whenever i show up at the playground i'm always met by an FBI agent guy that claims to be "sarah"...just kidding.

an interview is stupid. it's nothing but lies. lies on top of lies. you pretend to like yourself and try to convince the other "guy" that their company would be making a bad business decision if they didn't make you apart of the team. as if you couldn't be replaced in a nano-second. and the part about interviews i hate the most is when they ask you if you have any questions for him. fuck you. yeah, i got a question, "which guy here is the sexual harassment guy? which woman here has the personality that most resembles concrete? who am i going to have to fist fight for a decent chair?" those whacked-out interview advice people kill me too. they're like three evolutionary steps behind guidance counselors. at least guidance counselors actually "have" a job. those interview consultants always tell you to ask a lot of questions so you appear to be passionate about the company. what a joke. what kind of a nut job is passionate about working for xerox? or for citibank for that matter? i've always wanted to come to a windowless building nine hours a day and talk to people i hate as if they're next door neighbors and man o man, i can't wait to use the employee kitchen. i love dishes from 1973. i hope those coffee cups look like they're form the set of 3's company. i really love plastic plates with cigarette burns on them. mmm, what coffee is this? was it flown in from the lobby of a car dealership?

all the eye contact in job interviews is rigid and awkward. all the questions are intentionally written so you have to lie.

Interviewer: What are strengths as an employee?

loser: man i'm way qualified. way. First, I'm a self-starter. Yep, when I'm by myself I just start right up. It's incredible. AAAAAnd, I'm a fast learner. I learn real, real, real fast. Like i can just learn something by looking at someone's head. and i work well with others. i can take a lot of shit with a huge smile. in fact, i love assholes. dickish people remind me of christmas presents. and i take PRIDE in my work. it doesn't matter what kind of work. if i was picking peanut shells out of elephant shit, man, would i take pride in that.

Interviewer: In what areas can you improve as an employee?

Loser: What? Geez, that's a hard one. Let's see. Well, I guess I could maybe not take my work soooo seriously. maybe, you know for my blood pressure, but no actually, i'm doing yoga so that really isn't a problem. i guess i would maybe not work sooo hard and give other people a chance to work hard too.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?

Loser: Yeah, how long have you been in business?

Interviewer: I'm not sure. I think McDonald's has been in business since like the forties or something. I don't really know.

Loser: (awkward pause)

Interview: Any other questions?

Loser: no.

I wish you could be honest in an interview:


Interviewer: What strengths do you have as an employee?

Loser: I won't kill people. I won't go postal and blow everyone's brains out. I wash my crotch and ass regularly, so you won't be smelling that. I can really make other people look responsible for mistakes i've committed. i'm genius at creating cliques within the company and finding someone weak to become the lightening rod for criticism, y'know? Like a credible scapegoat that everyone can attack so we don't feel bad about ourselves. I'm great at stirring up shit. Especially if someone is getting the ax. The first words out of my mouth are always "wrongful termination."

Interviewer: In what areas could you improve as an employee?

Loser: jesus, where do i begin? i should improve but i'm lazy and resentful so i don't want to. basically, i assume everyone above me got there through sexual favors, nepotism, or a weird stroke of luck. but it definitely wasn't from working hard and doing the right thing. so basically, instead of improving, i'm going to sit around and wait for that stroke of luck.

Interviewer: why should this company hire you?

Loser: they hired you. you have hairplugs and neck acne. if they hired you they should hire me too. in fact, i'll feel personally insulted if i'm not hired because everyone i've seen in this place is a total jack ass. besides, if you don't hire me, i may curl up on the crouch and cry because i must be a bigger loser than you.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?

Loser: are you kidding?


Loser: is alright to drink on the job?


Loser: yeah, does the company monitor which websites i visit during working hours?


Loser: did any of the lies on my resume sound real?


Loser: How long do I have to pretend to be a good worker before I can finally relax and write on my blog all day.

oh by the way. this is a link to a site where a guy thinks that the japanese maffia caused hurricane katrina. he's a meteorologist who believes there are sky wars going on.

i don't spellcheck...except i did on my resume.


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