Wednesday, July 06, 2005

everything is gay

the bomb was dropped yesterday when i said everything was gay. some of the ladies in my office refused to read the blog because it made weddings sound gay (of course they weren't married, give 'em five years of marriage and they'll probably think it's gay). well weddings are gay. the ladies in the office said, "well they aren't gay to women." and i said, "exactly!" but they didn't get my point.

anyways the topic raised a lot of questions: people all day were coming at me with examples of things that weren't gay. every single one of them was gay, so i've prepared a list for your enjoyment (by the way, enjoyment is gay). here we go:

camping: that's gay. going into the woods to be with nature, share a tent with another guy and complain about bugs and pooing outside: super gay. by the way, when men get stranded alone crazy shit happens. just look at prison. which is obviously gay.

sailing: wow. i don't even want to go there.

hunting: same deal. in the woods, gay. in fact the woods are gay. big straight hunks of wood, pointing straight up. don't believe me, rent deliverance. men+weapons=gay. just look at the military.

steak: way gay. brought to you by a "cowboy". cowboys are gay (chaps, big hats, bolo ties, and southern drawls are really gay). in fact, texas is one big gay state. don't believe me? watch dallas for ten minutes. super gay. it's called the "lone star state" what do you think the star is referring to. even president bush is a little gay. look at him closely. the way he talks. it's like a gay man in drag. vibrating and shaking as he holds onto the last vistages of his masculinity. anyone that focussed on pretending to be a man is gay.

bbq: that's really gay. a man with an apron painting his own "special sauce" on meat is really gay.

my girlfriend asked me if i was gay: the answer is yes. an indian (being indian is gay, leather+feathers=gay, also referrenced in the village people, really gay) also i write a blog, that's gay, i work in entertainment, anything that considers joan rivers a reporter is gay. sleeping with women is gay actually. everything i have to do to get one to sleep with me is gay: talk about feelings, listen, dance, opening doors, anything chivalrous is gay, working out is gay. i even use sandal wood soap. 'nuff said.

comic books: muscular men in colored-spandex. puh-lease.

football: if i have to explain this then you're brain dead. you should run out into the wilderness, you'll have better luck being raised by a pack of wolves. by the way, being a dog is really gay. all that fur and licking yourself and tail wagging? super gay.

buddies, best friends, confidants, best man, colleagues, club members, squash partners, blood brothers, coaches, drill seargents, p.e. teachers, professors, physical therapists, fraternity brothers, skull and bones, CIA, romans, glee clubs: all of these categories have a powerfully gay tinge to them if you really think about it. (by the way, the word "tinge" is gay)

guns: look at the designs on gun handles. "pearl" in-lays, that's gay. "loading" a gun with "bullets." gay. "wiping" your barrel? gay. going to a convention to show your "gun" to other guys is gay. shopping in catalogues for a gun is gay. there's even "oils" involved in gun care. even "gun slingers" are gay, which leads us to cowboys and boom, we've come gay full circle. (coming full circle is gay)

not showering is gay, look at the french.

every country is gay. (england, germany, thailand, turkey)

ethnicity is gay: latino, african-american (think down low), pacific islander, cock-asian??? banana daquiri anyone?

religion: really gay. so much of it has to do with not being around women and worshipping an all-powerful man.

heterosexuality: really gay. just look at what's required of boyfriends. also, having a penis is super gay.

perhaps this is why society is so screwed up. some people are exremely homophobic. (homophobic is probably the gayest thing to be, it's usually the last straw on the camel's back before hitting west hollywood with joy gel in your hand. by the way, the straw that "broke the camel's back" is really gay.) so maybe that's why some people have a problem with the gay community. because our mainstream culture is already gay, they point at extremely gay people as a way of "straightening" themselves by contrast. the truth is, everything is gay and always has been, especially mcDonald's (happy meal? gay. ronald mcdonald is a bath house icon). so maybe if we just embraced it (embracing is gay) and just accepted it, (aceptance is gay) we could finally move on to tackle (tackling is gay) some real problems.

i don't spellcheck and that is really really really gay.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is your girlfriend gay?

11:57 AM

Blogger Tokyo Slim said...

That was great, I enjoyed that whole post, despite it being super gay.

11:18 PM

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