cinco de mayo catfight

come follow me, down this trail, here, left, no your other left dummy, yeah, under this gate and...i'm about to take you ringside to a REAL MEXICAN FEMALE BRAWL. this is a real lucha libre. no joke. no holds barred. and it's the god's honest truth.

i can't reveal how i came to this affair. my source is anonymous and her anonymity is the condition that allows me to plug you into her memory bank. so sit back. and enjoy, as cinco de mayo "blow out" extravaganza extraodrinaire is created.

[switching dials, punching buttons]

[low soft hum of memory loading]

...it was cinco de mayo. my cousin picked me up and took me to her school because they were having a quebradita event. they were going to have a dj. rocking quebradita music: that's like mexican country. like line dancing. you know those mexican's with the big cowboy hats and shiny boots, like EL RANCHO or huntington park.

we go there. we park. we walk to the middle of campus where the festivities are taking place. the DJ was on a "giant SLAB" in the middle of the school.

now my cousin pointed out this one girl who was trying to mess with her. there were like stories about this girl. they said she fought dirty. like hiding blades in her hair. so like everyone was scared of her. but my cousin didn't want to fight her because she was about to be kicked out of school already.

so, everyone was dancing on this slab. my cousin asked me if i wanted to go up there. i was like, "naw, i'll stay here." i love to dance but you got to understand my situation. i am 5 2", i weighed 190 pounds. i was like BLAMMO. i wore 501 levis, and like black doc marten's, i had a um, black shirt and a hooded sweater. i always wore sweaters, to cover all my stomach creases. even if it's hot, i'm wearing two layers and when people asked me if i was hot, i'd be all, "i'm cold blooded." so, i wasn't about to get up in front of the school and do some mexican line dancing.

all of a sudden, i notice this rumbling. loud yells. i go to the side of the slab. i see my cousin being held down by these dudes. and the "dirty fighter" chick was like yelling at my cousin. no one was holding her back. so "dirty fighter" charged towards my cousin, so here i come, pushing her out of the way to protect my cousin.

dirty fighter looks at me like, 'who the hell are you?"

she swings at me and misses. then kicks my shin. and that about pissed me off. so then we started boxing. actually i was, because she wasn't doing anything. and there was a guy with a video camera filming everything and like not helping anybody. he was like all up in people's faces trying to get good angles.

so i was wailing on this "tough" girl's face and so she like, jumped off the slab. and started cussing at me and saying like, "it didn't hurt" and calling me fat in spanish. so i jumped off the slab. imagine a 5'2", 190 pound mexican chick leaping off a four foot block of concrete with like my fist cocked in the air. and i slammed her in the head and she went down.

so i get down and started whacking her head on the ground like, "yeah, well does this hurt, how about this." then her friend had like these long ass nails. that's why you never go down on the ground to fight. they always have a friend ready to jump in. so like "nails" grabs my cheeks with her claws and straight ripped my face. i turned to defend myself and as i turn, "tough girl" kicked me in my cheekbone. through out all of this, i'm like where the heck's my cousin.

then my cousin barrels in and kicks "nails" in the stomach. "nails" was all, "awwwwww" like holding her stomach. and fell to the ground.

so i grabbed my cousin and said "let's go, let's get out of here." cuz i was about to get in trouble. it wasn't even my school. so we tried to find a way out but like they locked the gates for lunch. there was still fifteen minutes left. i guess they didn't want students off campus or something.

so we're trying to like, find a place to hide. like imagine two latinas. one solid, and one huge with a scratched up face looking for some place to hide. so basically, students must have ratted us out cuz security found us behind the special ed class. so we got an "escort" to the principal's office.

they sit us down in different corners. word in the office was that "tough girl" told everyone that me and my cousin jumped her. dang, i wish. and then there was this guy pepe that i knew who was in there. he was making fun of her because her face was all jacked up, pepe was all, "i'm glad you finally got your butt kicked, you talk too much crap."

she was getting all mad. i was laughing. i was enjoying her getting all mad. i laughed at her because she kicked my face. so "tough girl" got even more mad. so she tells the secretary to tell me to be quiet cuz i'm cackling.

finally they find out that i'm not a student there. so they call the cops. the cop handcuffed me. they charged me with trespassing and fighting. i think like 3rd degree assault or something. he walked me out of the office and past all the students. i was all embarrassed because i knew people there. my head was all down.

they take me to the station. the cop says to call my parents. and like no one answers. like nobody was home. so the cop got all mad and said, "if you don't get a ride, i'm taking you to juvey. have you ever been to juvey??!?!" i'm sitting there and crying, and i'm all, "can you give me something for my face? it hurts." and he said, "no. maybe you'll think twice about fighting next time."

finally i get a hold of parents. while i wait for them in the waiting area. the cop told me to give him my shoes. i'm all, "what?" he said, "so you can't run off." i was like, "look at me. i'm 190 pounds. you think i'm going to sprint out of here or something?" so i gave him my shoes. so i'm all with my head down. like fearing what my parents are going to do. my face is all jacked up. my mom is all, "are you ok?" then she saw my face and she said, "you didn't win did you?" she's said, "we're going to have to put aloe vera on your face, when we get home."

so i wouldn't get punished i gave them a sob story about defending my cousin against, "tough girl," i even said she had blades in her hair.


memory over, over and out.

oh, and my cousin got kicked out of school.

i don't spellcheck.