Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Men's Room

our tuesday night exclusive features america's most notorious war zones: men's restrooms. it looks like a harmless blue triangle but it represents death in a thousand different forms of strange bacteria. tonight, we go live to our reporter, medicine bear as he enters these bacteria farms known as "the men's room."

women quickly point out the disadvantages of being a woman in our society, but they don't have to use the men's restroom. it's crazy in there. men have higher rates of suicide, heart attacks, and death. is it due to disgusting toilets? i think it may be.

first of all, the men's room looks like it was just hit by a tsunami. apparently some men have never seen toilet paper or paper towels before because they decorate the bathroom like a homecoming float. or maybe their were in refugee camps and have never seen the abundant hills of paper products the US has. i dunno. it looks like mardi gras sometimes.

and the floor is always WET. i don't know why. it's always wet. that's why i think men should be allowed to wear high heels, so that their feet never touch that fetid water. you could slip and snap your collar bone. someone might not even rescue you because of the water. they might have to get one of those giant air boats from the everglades and throw you a line.

by the way, how come dudes miss the urinal all the time. sometimes i think they're peeing during a small earth quake. there's like a yellow lagoon under the urinal. it's crazy. it looks like fake butter topping. i think some men aren't holding the firehose with their hands. i think they just unzip and let it fly like water whip. not to mention all the curly friends hanging on the rim. men suffer from extreme hair loss but it ain't all on top of their heads.

that's why i don't touch anything with my hands in the men's room. i use oven mitts or my feet. i can wash my hands, dry them, flush and perform card tricks with my feet. and never, ever, go number two in the men's room unless you want to pay for therapy. and somebody is not flushing the toilet. they leave "presents" for other guys to play games like "log rolling" or "sink the sub" or "cut the turtle in half."

dude. and the urinal is not a trash bin. i've seen people throw beer cans in there. it was crazy. it sounded like a steel drum band when i peed. what's crazy is that i never catch anybody doing this. i wonder who these men are...like sometimes the men's room is soooo bad that i hold my breath because i don't want to get the black lung. like outside you're in the United States, as soon as you step into the men's room you're in tijuana.

i don't spell check but I do wash my hands.