Thursday, October 26, 2006

Roasting BUSH

I’m sick of Mea Culpa Watch. The papers and news media peep W’s talk and walk to see when he’ll Fess up that Iraq isn’t going well. If he admits that he made a mistake attacking Iraq, we'll fess up and admit it was a mistake re-electing him.

This is a real drag man, because instead of scheming up an exit, we’re hanginging back for the Prez to break down to jsut state the obvious.

I hope the White Haired jerk-off’s in the Pentagon have a plan ready to go so that the split second W says, “My Bad” we can get our boys out. Media Fools are waiting for the Prez to catch up to what the people already know. This is known as a “Duh.” or as Homer Simpson said, “D’oh!” Which is a defeated, self-aware version of DUH. (Prez Bush does have Matt Groening style lips)

Waiting for the president to say D’OH could take a long assed time. Waiting for a Texan to admit they made a mistake is like waiting for the last episode of the Price Is Right, it may never happen. Texans don't like to admit defeat, remember David Koresh? He turned his cult into cherries flambe before saying I give up to that Cross-Dressing Attorney General. BUT waiting for a Connecticut Yale graduate blue-blood mothereffer to admit he made a mistake could take longer. Strange shit waiting for the Prez to break off knowledge that everyone already knows.

Other obvious revelations:

George Michael is gay
Rosie O’Donnel is gay
Arnold Swarzeneggar took steroids
Most Hollywood movies suck owl dicks
Paul MCartney should have had a prenup
T.R. Knight is gay
Cops use racial profiling
Paris Hilton drinks and drives
Anna Nicole Smith is on some kind of medication
Rush Limbaugh is a drug addict (duh, why is his name Rush?)
Hillary wants to be the first female president
Condoleezza is the first female president (it’s surprising that MS Spellcheck recognizes her name)
Baseball cards were bad investments
WWE is fake
Jerry Springer show is fake
Pluto is not a planet (just kidding)
Mel Gibson is an anti-Semite
The earth is round
Working for Amway is not a job
LAPD is corrupt
Michael Jackson is a pedophile

As I was thinking of this I was listening to the Howard Stern Show (which you can listen to on the internet free today) and they were roasting his producer. I thought we should roast the president, so here it is.


Good evening ladies and gentlemen, [looking at the president] and chimpanzees, welcome to the Roast of President Bush. Roasts can be tough and brutal. You have to have thick skin. That’s thick SKIN George, not a thick HEAD. [Hillary snorts into her drink] What are you laughing at Hillary? George may have a thick head but you have thick ANKLES.

George W. What’s the W stand for? Wanker? You’re the only president who became a lame duck president the moment you took the presidential oath. That was right after your Daddy’s friends, I mean, the Supreme Court made you president. [Al Sharpton laughs] What are you laughing at Al? Aren’t you supposed to be serving drinks? Get back to work. Don’t steal any hubcaps off of W’s limo.

Back to you George W. What do you get when you cross a wimp and a hunk of Crisco? You get what Laura Bush wakes up to every morning. George W, you are one chimpanzee looking motherfucker. You look so much like a chimp Jane Goodall does her research from the Oval Office. You look so much like a chimp, you carry around Darwin’s evolutionary chart as your personal ID. [Clinton Laughs] Don’t laugh Bill, W may look like a chimp, but you sleep with PIGS. Bill when will you shut the fuck up? I have news for you: you’re no longer the president. [Bush Sr and Jr laugh] [Clinton waves a cigar at Hillary. She pops him in the shoulder]

Bush looks so much like a Chimpanzee that when he visited Reagan in the old folk’s home, Reagan thought he was doing a sequel to Bed Time for Bonzo. And Bush Sr? I know Barbara is ugly, but did you really have to resort to fucking primates? Animal Planet just became a member of the White House Press Corps.

Scientist claim that Chimpanzees are nearly 99% genetically identical to humans, which means that our President is…well, close enough. Close enough is the phrase the defines W’s life. Elected president? CLOSE ENOUGH. Reading the teleprompter? CLOSE ENOUGH. Pronouncing English? CLOSE ENOUGH. Graduated College? CLOSE ENOUGH. Real Texas accent? CLOSE ENOUGH. [Powell laughs and makes the gesture of a gun and pretends to shoot Bush JR. The Secret Service tackle Powell and hogtie him] Hey, hey, don’t arrest that guy. He’s the reason we went to war with Iraq. You know what? Second thought, haul his ass to jail. Don’t let him mix with the blacks, the blacks in Jail hate white people.

W, you really are a loser. You’re the first loser to become president. Our president has inspired more losers than the Missouri State Lottery. Great now Paris Hilton thinks she can be president. Thank God your father was powerful or you would have been a waterbed salesman. The only person who lives off her father cache more then W is Lisa Marie Presley. He makes Nicole Richie seem like a self starter. You’re like a bad Xerox, faded, white, and sketchy. [Bush Daughter’s laugh] Don’t laugh girls, you’re bad Xeroxes of a bad Xerox, which makes you faded, white and skanky.

But W, you’re not just a loser. You’re a bad decision maker. The only decision worse than the Bush’s decision to go to war with Iraq was when Laura said “I do.” I haven’t seen a bad decision like that since, Clinton decided to stick cigars inside a fat white woman in a beret. At least you never did that. President Bush has killed more troops than military scientists. The real enemy isn’t a brown-skinned insurgent in a turban, it’s the White guy in the suit driving around the ranch. Bush has wasted more taxpayer money than welfare. [Kerry laughs] What are you laughing at John? You lost to this clown. You’re beneath a chimp.

[Condoleezza laughs]
Condi? What’s so funny cherry tits? Morgan Freeman just called, he wants his weird facial skintags back. Jesus. What is that? Did you do a face plant into the Cocoa Crispy’s? Powell, please tell Condi she doesn’t have to bend and scrape to White people anymore. No wait, you sold out too. Jessie Jackson get in here and tell her “don’t trust whitey.” Condi, I need to tell you something, this is the White House, not Uncle Tom’s Cabin. You don’t have to take all W’s shit. Condi, the first female secretary of state. [Round of applause] Great honey, quite an achievement, you single-handedly propelled women forward and undid all the gains that Martin Luther King made. Maya Angelou called, the Blacks want their Black back.

Ok, W, back to you. President Bush is proof that a trustfund is a terrible thing to waste. President Bush’s father claimed to have hated broccoli which explains why he married a huge head of cauliflower. President Bush’s mother is so ugly they should turn her skin inside out. People don’t say to Bush “You kiss your mother with THAT mouth?” They say, “You kiss THAT mother with your mouth?” George W is such a terrible president, has caused so much turmoil in the world, that the UN classified his father’s semen as a weapon of mass destruction. [Applause, Koffi Anan laughs] What the hell’s so funny Koffi? At least Bush Sr’s son is an idiot and NOT a criminal. At least W is a president of a real country.

Ok Georgie Jr, Our president is the only president that makes all our illegal immigrants seem fluent in English. I haven’t seen someone act being a Texan this badly since Victoria Principal was on the Dallas. The only thing Rugged about George W is his mother. W is such a sissy, the last time I saw a homosexual pretend to be a rugged cowboy I was watching Broke Back Mountain. In fact, Jake Gyllanhaal prepared for his role by visiting the White House for a week. [Jake laughs] Jake, what’s so funny? At least George is acting, you were being yourself in that movie. The only thing faker than W’s Texas routine is that moustache you wore in the movie.

Back to you George W, he disappeared during his Texas Air National Guard. He disappears while in office in the president. You’re almost as unreliable as Clinton’s real father. Every President had a drug addicted, drunk, flunky loser for a brother. Carter had Billy, Clinton had Roger, and George Bush has himself. The reason George Bush Sr. named his son George Bush was so that people wouldn’t think his real dad was Alfred E. Newman [Cheney’s face shatters as he cracks a smile]

Dick Cheney’s in the audience. How you doing sir? You bald prick. Cheney has a shotgun, quick duck. Cheney put the gun down, the pheasant they’re serving tonight is already dead. Cheney is so bald and evil, he looks like a white Darth Vader. Cheney looks like a pissed off scoop of ice cream.

Finally, let me return to the president. Whenever Airforce One lands they play, “Hail to the Loser.” W has ruined more companies than inflation. King Midas had the golden touch, but W Bush has the “down the crapper” touch. When will Donald Trump finally tell Bush, “You’re Fired!” W might be a bad business man, but he did great in oil. W was such an amazing oil man. He went to Texas, dug deep and struck Daddy’s money.

Bush says that Racial quotas aren’t right because we shouldn’t give people preferential treatment because of their biology…well...the punch line here is obvious. Good night foljks. Don’t eat the fish.

[Secret service arrests me as I leave the dais. Where I am tucked away into a tiny corner of Guantanamo.]

Medicine Bear