Saturday, November 11, 2006


My girl’s mother stayed with us for a week. Essentially, I slept on the couch for the week. I’m an old couch vet. I rode out a lot of tours of duty on the couch. If it has three cushions and change under it, I sleep like a baby. This is the legacy of growing up in a Bachelor pad with my pops. It was just me and George The Dog in the front room.

My Girl’s mother is a very sweet and funny lady. She’s from British Guyana which is my girl’s heritage. British Guyana is located in North East South America. This is the WIKI on British Guyana.

The Famous living torso, Prince Randion, hailed from British Guyana. He was featured in the awesome 30’s film FREAKS. He can roll a cigarette, strike a match and light the cigarette with just his lips and chin. Pretty out there. Follow up reading here.

Anyways, her mother whipped up a huge batch of Roti and Curry. I’ve been shitting sideways for a week now, but is damn good. Even George the Dog likes it.

Sunday, I took them up to Ol’ Pepp to have a gander at the law school. The Savage View of the Pacific Ocean obliterated her mother’s breath, like that little Wall Troll in Cat’s Eye, except faster.

We were supposed to go home and cook and spend time together, the whole quality time routine. Casually I mentioned that “next time we should take you up to the Outlet Malls up in Camarillo.” Her mother squeezed my face a Gordita, she tilted my face up to the cab light and said, “What did you say?”

“Uh, I love and honor your daughter?”

She twisted my ear, “I’m not playing games schmuck.”

“Uh, there are Outlet Malls in Camarillo?”

Her mom commandeered my vehicle and burned up the freeways getting to the Outlets.

My legs can withstand the stress of jogging 18 miles without stopping, but they cannot endure 3 hours of the Outlet Mall Gauntlet with My Girl and Her Mom. Ann Taylor. Shoe stores. The first thing they looked for were blouses. The first thing I looked for was a chair. Oh sweet chair. Let me sit, while Clan of the Estrogen brows the god forsaken racks. Let me fold my arms, let me nod off, let me play the demo version of Bejeweled on my cell phone.

Going to the outlet malls with girlfriend’s mother is a special burden of pain. The cheap prices and “Two’fers” attract a large pod of women. They mill about with their Treasures in tow like giant Ant Columns. Their segmented “Feelers” vibrate in the Commercial Currents that only they can see. All this Female Motion transforms a man. His head spins and reels until His EYES become big and bulbous, like giant BUG eyes, giant compound lenses trying to see every chick at once.


then you’re there with the Mama. Mama commands respect. Mama can put the Big Squeeze on you. Straighten up, and fly right son, Mama-san is in town. Getting caught looking at another woman by your girl is one thing. Getting caught by her mother is quite another.

Luckily when I my Opium Junk was shipwrecked off the coast of Shang Hai, I stayed with Shaolin Monks and they taught me the Sacred Dharma of “Shadow Oggle.” These are techniques you can employ so you don’t get caught looking at other women.

The Stony Stare Through

This is when you find yourself staring at a Latina in tight white pants and you feel the mother’s presence. You must harness your CHI and relax the pupils so to appear staring at something behind the girl. When she passes do not turn your head (a secret art in itself) and you’ll be looking at something forty feet away. Thus, when the Mama-san tracts your gaze you’ll be looking very interested in a Chrysler LeBaron or a Tree.

The Screen of Yawn.

Yawning is an excellent way to sneak a peek at a pretty lady or mask/obscure being caught mid-oggle. It’s goof cover for sneak peaking because most people do not expect you to control your eyes while you yawn. That if you did look at a woman, it was part of a “reflex” in yawning. There’s a lot of involuntary movement. [Which for a man, looking at T&A can be considered mostly involuntary]. Also, if in mid-stare, yawning can “distract” through noise, weird facial contortion and possible arm movement. Also, the yawn allows you to bring your hand over your face to hide it or even wipe sweat from a “close call.”

Whip Eyes

This is the most basic technique. When Mama-san and GF turn away to look at something else, you “Whip your Eyes” at your targets. The monks call it Whip because it’s supposed to be fast. However, the inherent danger here is losing command of the eyes. Sometimes a tight a low V-Neck can imbue your eyes with enough strength to disregard the “Return to Position” command. Then Mama-San and GF gnaw on your neck until your head falls off.

Golden Arc

This is when you turn around, or sweep your neck responding to a question. you may use your body to shield, or movement to steal a quick look of body parts in the natural flight path of your “eyes.” This is important. Do not look in the opposite direction, or turn in an unnatural way. Or your balls will be burned like a White Trash Toast.

False Agreement

This is extremely subtle and may only be used once if self-initiated or as many times as initiated by the Mother and GF. This is where the Mother and GF criticize what a woman is wearing. In this instant you may participate and agree with the conversation, while also taking in her body. You may even ask questions which allow the woman to answer by directing your eyes to various areas on the woman’s body. This provides excellent cover for ogling. A woman can be blinded by her own criticisms that she doesn’t realize she is giving Carte Blanche for a man to look at another woman. Interestingly, Cheesy Women and Sluts are the favorite fodder of upstanding ladies, which by good fortune is generally what men want to look at.


Not the kind done in the Lotus position, the kind done through mirrors and windows. Highly effective, especially when window shopping. However, the danger here is complacency. You may linger too long under the cover of safety. Women have known about the reflection trick ever since the 1950’s when some fool put mirrors on his shoes and ruined it for everyone else.

The Zen of Sunglasses

Sunglasses are a highly effective tool but also over-used. They become a liability the longer you spend in doors as well. After a while the Mama-San may ask why you’re wearing them inside. Or, even more devious, she may say nothing, just quietly take notes. Also, remember, sunglasses are only effective in a pure lateral position to the Mama-San or behind her. Walking ahead, can leave you weak against the 45o angle defense. Women can pierce your shaded armor to see what you’re really looking at.

Practice this game by clicking here


Medicine Bear-san


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shopping with the wife is worse than getting your teeth ground without novo. Ogling for cheap thrills is the only survival option. It is an art if you are an artist. Sunglasses are the way to go really. Allow me to fine tune - go with color relectors. I prefer gold. I would add that chicks dress for chicks when they shop and it can get nasty. Nipple wars can erupt. TOAB

10:34 PM


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