Return of the Medicine

I’ve been on break for awhile. During the time I was away, I started a new screenplay (I know I said I quit, but what the Hell), a guy at my job got fired for total incompitance, I started Thai Kickboxing, I decided to move in with my girlfriend and I talked to Shaq. No lie, Shaq is interested in Indian Gaming, since you know that a Casino can strike anyone P-Diddy Rich in a nano-second. So he was doing business with my pops and they called me together.

Shaq’s voice is deep. He makes Barry White sound like Mickey Mouse. I said, “You were awesome in STEEL.” And then it was real silent on the other end. Actually, I pussed-out on that. It was an Actual Puss-Out. Instead of being a wise guy I was real nice. He asked me to send over some of my scripts to his agent. I told him I would if he came back to play basketball in Los Angeles.

Which is dumb, because I don’t even watch basketball. But I mean, what do you talk to Shaq about besides basketball? What I really wanted to ask was, “Do you use really huge toilet paper?”

However, some people take watching sports seriously. A lot of dudes got ESPN Fever. I know guys, people at my work, that get all-chested up over the LA Lakers and the LA Clippers. USC vs. UCLA. To me that’s just one giant BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I can understand getting stressed out if I actually played on the team that was winning or losing. Or maybe if I owned the teams, or supplying them with steroids. But, I don’t know, I’d rather hone my Microwave Popcorn skills.

The art of Microwave popcorn is to get the most corn without torching kernels. Perfect Microwave Popcorn is tricky. Just like dealing with women, microwave popcorn requires good listening skills. Once the pops slow down you better sprint to the microwave, or instead of popcorn, you’ll have a smoking replica of Al Sharpton’s hair.

What happened to Al Sharpton anyways? He was loud and running for president and now he just disappeared. Maybe he’s gotten heavy into LOST and American Idol.

I hate politics. Especially Republicans. Republicans are the biggest whiners in the world. They go around making issues out of crap that’s already in existence. For instance, look at this same-sex marriage thing. It’s been around and legal for years. The Clintons have been in a same-sex marriage since 1979. Now they want the shit outlawed?

I love Bill and tolerate Hillary, but honestly, does anyone care whether or not they’re still in love? Almost 8 years after his presidency, 9 years after his tobacco-fat-chick-beret incident, the media is still worried about whether they’re really in love or it’s a marriage of political convenience. The question isn’t whether or not they’re still in love, the question is when was the last time Bill hit it? Are they still having sex? I mean come on. Does Bill have to suck it up, close his eyes and deliver the mail once a month? You know, hit her torpid vulva with that female-arousal spray and just jam it in there and think about Jessica Simpson?

Or does Hillary avoid him? She’s a smart woman, she might not want the cornucopia of diseases dancing on his magic stick. With all the chicks Bill’s been with, he’s probably got Asian Bird Flu living in his pee-pee hole. Safe sex for Hillary may actually mean NOT sleeping with her husband. She probably has one of those Rattle Snake Rods, the metal ones with a loop at the end. So when he comes at her with his fly down, she can pin his Ti-Ti (Filipino for dick…just learned it) down on the ground.

Sincerely,

Medicine Bear