Thursday, February 16, 2006

Annoyance Files

Let’s see: Snapshot Bullshit Items from my Annoyance Files:

Today in the gym I saw a chubby naked guy trying to put his socks on. He had huge moles on his body, like someone rolled him in oats. I almost passed out.

I learned that a “Tabo” is a Filipino cup full of water that they wipe their ass with.

I got to use the handicap shower at my gym. It's bigger but then there's that weird bench. I was going to sit down and shower and then I started thinking about all the naked old-man ass that sat there, shampooing up their stretched out oyster bags. Or like some dude was scrubbing his mottled stump or club foot. Or maybe like down syndrome dudes were doing naked jumping jacks in there and peeing on the handles. Before you know it, I was frozen. Even though I was in the biggest shower stall, I was balanced on my big toe over one square inch, not touching a thing in the shower. Sometimes I look at the soap dispenser and wonder if any sick-perve jokester has deposited anything in there.

Thursday is so plum boring. It looks like some steaming, fatty, center cuts of current topics is being dished up.

The Big Dick:

1) Dick Cheney just surpassed Star Jones as the most hated man in America.
2) Could his approval rating go any lower?
3) See, that? You just can’t give rich white people guns.
4) Maybe Cheney had actually gone through boot camp he’d know how to aim.
5) What a bald Dick.
6) Everyone knows how easy is it is to mistake a quail for a human.
7) Snoop Dog offered Cheney a job riding shotgun in his H3.
8) You think that’s stupid, apparently Bush tried to break the guy’s neck, stuff him in a sack, defeather him, and roasted his breast with parsley and Emmeril’s BAM! Seasoning.

From an article on Slate:

Asked why the media wasn't told for 18 hours and only then by a private citizen on her own initiative, Cheney said it was respect for the process of informing the press that led him to not inform them. "We didn't know for sure what kind of shape Harry was in," said Cheney. "One of the things I'd learned over the years was first reports are often wrong and you need to really wait and nail it down."

Cheney went on to say, “It’s like hunting. You got to be careful because at first you think you see a quail, and pull the trigger real fast, and the next thing you know, you just blew off the chest of your hunting..uh…buddy…er”

Cheney probably hoped that blowing his buddy up might take some heat off of him for leaking information about the CIA and that whole “desert-thing” in Iraq. You know Bush is pumping his fists in the oval office screaming “Yes! Now who’s the idiot you Dick!”

The Grammy’s:

I illegally downloaded the Grammy’s off of Lime Wire because the actual show isn’t worth putting on my TV. I hate the Grammy’s. They have so many weird categories that everyone gets an award: This year’s Best Female vocal sung by a flat-chested Icelandic singer with an unpronounceable name whose music is considered unlisten-able by dogs and whales goes to...Bjork.

Dude what’s up with U2? They totally “Doobie-Brothered” the awards this year. Did they even put out an album last year? Did anyone hear it? Basically, Bono did a bunch a humanitarian work to Guilt Trip the world into giving him a Grammy. "I touched a leper in Uganda, you owe me a Grammy!" Everybody wanted to give the award to Willie Nelson for singing a cowboy song about queers (it’s true, btw, go back to my earlier blog about how everything is gay and see that I predicted Brokeback Mountain). I hate U2. All they do is live off the fumes of the Joshua Tree.

Most people call them the Grammy’s because it’s for over the hill stars like Madonna—as in Grandma. This little blurb I stole from E! today:

ON THE MEND: Madonna recuperating after undergoing hernia surgery following her performance at the Grammy Awards and doing "absolutely fine," according to her spokeswoman.

Dude is Madonna going to have one of those weird veiny bulges in her gut? One of my grandpa's had one of those. It was all blue and lumpy, like curdled milk in a sock.

Muslim Cartoons:

When are Radical Muslims going to learn to take a joke? Wow, they must be the unfunniest people in the world. Where’s their sense of humor? Damn, I guess I can understand that they don’t want their prophet mocked. But if they want the world to take them seriously, they should stop rioting over drawings. Christian Fundamentalists don’t get mad when Jesus is mocked. When Mel Gibson made that homo-erotic softcore porn film about Jesus, the Christian’s loved it. By the way, the Passion of Christ was gayer than Brokeback Mountain.

I don't spellcheck


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