Friday, June 16, 2006

Gay Pride Parade

What people say to each other at gay pride parade is "Happy Pride!" Now that's gay.

Goddamn. I went to the gay pride parade WITH MY GIRLFRIEND so no mf’ers would step to your boy. Soooooooo gay. Way gay. There were new levels of gayness that I didn’t know was possible. There was a gay clown making gay balloon animals.

I kid you not. i saw the biggest, blackest, penis in my life. This dude was dancing on a firetruck gyrating in nothing but red hot pants. It was E-normous. It was like someone jammed a baby in his pants. I thought he had a hernia. I was like, "Look baby, a Gay Siamese Twin! Oh wait, that's his dick!" The vein was visible from the curb.

I turned to my girl and was like “holy shit.” For the first time in our relationship my girl was silent. She took her hat off said, “Shhhh. Have some respect for the Gigant-o-Rod.” I pointed at it and said, “that thing ain’t real!” And like the dude whipped it out. And when I say, “whipped it out,” that’s what he did. The thing CRACKED in the air. All the pigeons took flight and children started crying. The beast was so huge, it would have made the anti-christ crawl back up in the Satan-mother and just chill. ON the second coming of Christ, Jesus made a U-Turn back into heaven and said, “Now that was one big black dick.”

Gay pride parade in west Hollywood is like the Easter Parade in Puerto Rico. Those’ MF’ers take that shit for real. Man, my grandpa would be freaking out if he was still alive. He was a dyed in the wool homo-phobe. He came from the “greatest generation” which means the “greatest intolerance of alternate lifestyles.”

In middle school my Grandpa (bless his heart) would drive us down to “Youth Group” in his white Cutlass Sierra. The ride over was Grandpa’s time to help mold out minds. One of his favorite topics was “Homosexual Perverts.”

Grandpa: Quiet now boys, I want to talk to you.

[My Cousin and I would look at each other like, “Aw Hell.”]

G: Now, I want you to stay away from homosexual perverts…do you know what they do? They go to bath houses and they…

Holy Smokes Grandpa. It wasn’t like me and my cousin were hanging down at the YMCA in muscle shirts or something. We were waaaay into chicks. I think Jerry Falwell or someone sent my Grandpa a video on Homosexuals. It was a tape of the Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco [gay mecca] and it kind of freaked him out. Grandpa also warned us constantly to be with good, clean, Christian women: Fifteen years later I’m at the Gay Pride Parade with my Black Girlfriend.

Anyways West Hollywood is the Southern Californian San Francisco. There’s a working Male Porn Theater called the TomKat—don’t eat the buttered popcorn. They have shown titles like SWEET HOMO ALBAMA, SWORD FIGHT, ASSPHEMY, and JUGGERNUT. No lie. It’s so famous that it’s an LA Icebreaker now.

Angeleno 1: Hi.
Angeleno 2: [silent, sizing up whether or not this person can be of use to me]
Angeleno 1: Guess what’s playing at the Tomkat?
Angeleno 2: What?
Angeleno 1: Mr. and Mr. Smith and Muscle and Blow.
Angeleno 2: Oh for heaven’s sake…

The Parade:

Dykes on bikes made a showing. Rough trade, Rough trade. They were topless with huge, weathered, boda bag tits. The only milk those breasts would produce was aged and mellowed whisky from Lynchburg Tennessee. Their eyes manhandled my girl. I muttered, “Look honey, if one of these here bull dykes decides to throw one in ya, I’m just gonna have to move to the side, ‘cuz these greaser bitches could probably hand me my sack lunch no problemo. You should probably just relax and take it. Don’t tighten up, so nothing tears. Meet me by the car in an hour or so.”

Then like the Gay Men’s Choir glided through singing “It’s in his Kiss.” That was soooooooooooo powerfully gay that even Liberaci’s corpse was like, “Someone shut those queers up!” Their float was a pink chiffon doused tractor with a man swinging on a pink swing.

I didn’t trust one Asian Woman at that parade. I was like, no way jose! I know you! You are not sexy girl, no! You man! You man! You have tits like woman but balls like man! That’s Doctor Jones to you Lady!

As much as I feel secure about my heterosexuality, I held my woman close. She was my garlic against the gay vampires. I was squeezing her and hugging her. I kept my hetero-defense-shield powered up through straight displays of public affection.

Some dude came bouncing down the parade route cracking a giant bullwhip. I don’t think he was part of the festivities. He was just filled with the holy gay spirit. There was a guy in assless chaps and fruits of all shapes and sizes were spanking his big white ass cheeks.

I left with an astonishing thought: these dudes like to suck pud and invade man-ass. wow.




Post a Comment

<< Home