Wednesday, June 21, 2006

SUPER MAN will eventually kill us.

Yo yo yo…I’m rollin’, they’re hatin’, that’s why they’re trying to catch me ridin’ dirty.

My buddy says that Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians are coming out with a new album. Great. I thought we got rid of that hack. That’s all we need, more fat chicks dancing around in Birkenstocks smelling like Patchouli Oil. What’s next? The reunion of Phish?

But anyways:

I want to dispel some treacherous propaganda surrounding this fictional character, the so-called Superman. Ok, now a lot of mother-effers are going around, telling their little lies about the Man of Steel and spreading hearsay and poppycock.

Big Dummy’s contend that Superman is an immigrant. The idea is that he immigrated from the planet Krypton to earth. In his new home he gets superpowers and lives the American way of life. See, in Krypton, there was a red sun and there, Superman was just a regular person, but then when he shows up on earth with the YELLOW sun he gets all his powers. So he must be an immigrant right? Wrong!

Any real immigrant will tell you, that Superman claiming to be an immigrant is just like Linda Rontsadt claiming to be Latino. Great jump on the ethnic bandwagon when it’s cool, but where was your punk-ass during the real struggle?

See, the real immigrant experience is just the opposite than Superman’s story: in El Salvador, you were a doctor, then you come to the US and now you are a Bellhop at the Raddison. This immigrant theory crap is Super Ca-ca.

Superman traveled in a cozy spaceship to earth.
Immigrants traveled underneath four hundred pounds of tires in a storage container
Superman crashed in a small Midwestern town and was adopted by conservative parents.
Immigrants crash into a Hick in a truck and were deported by conservative officials.
Superman can fly without Proper Identification.
If Immigrants have dual identities they are sent to Abu Graib.
Superman is impervious to bullets.
Immigrants are gunned down reaching for a wallet.
Superman doesn’t catch crap from dating White Women.

The next piece of Jerky that’s a real crock a crap is that Superman is Jewish. I don’t think sooooo.

Evidence 1: Superman is Jewish because his creators were Jewish. However, that theory does not hold water. Sammy Davis Jr. was Jewish but his creators weren’t—they were black.

Evidence 2: Superman’s real name Kal-el which sounds like Hebrew. What? Kal-el? That’s not Hebrew, it’s African. Everybody knows that. Everyone’s loveable black nerd Irkle’s real name is Jaleel white. Jaleel sounds like a name from Krypton. It’s Black it ain’t Hebrew. Besides, names don’t mean shit. My friend is dating a dude named Kimani, which you would expect to be Japanese, but it’s Swahili. So you can’t judge race by how a name sounds.

Evidence 3: Superman’s origin is oddly like Moses. He was put in a basket/(rocket ship) and sent down the river (space). Actually Superman is nothing like Moses:

Superman left his planet because it was being destroyed, Moses was sent down the river b/c the Pharoh was killing male children.
Moses came from enslaved people, Superman came from advanced aliens.
Moses freed the Jews from slavery, Superman puts people in prison.
Moses got his power from a Jewish God. Superman got his powers from the yellow sun (which was worshipped by Egyptians).

Evidence against Superman’s Jewish-ness:

Superman can’t be Jewish because no known material can circumsize his super-pee-pee. His foreskin would destroy those tiny scissors.
Superman is not a lawyer or a doctor.
Superman does not live with his mother.
Superman's vacation home is a cold climate: the Artic circle instead of Miami.

Now then who is Superman?

He’s an evil colonist. He’s a conqueror from in the tradition of England, Spain, and France. Superman is the first emissary to be sent to conquer new lands and people.

Superman comes from a land of an “advanced civilization, with people of great intelligence and physical perfection.” That’s what Europeans thought of themselves.
Superman is impervious to Native Weaponry. Arrows didn’t stop the settlers, and bullets don’t stop Superman.
In Superman's home land he was nothing, but in our primitive culture he is like a God.
Much like the Aztecs when the horsebacked Cortez arrived, we are thrown for a loop by this
advanced stranger.
Superman left his home because overcrowding and age was destroying it, just like 16th Century England.
Superman, just like settlers, has a thing for our Native women.
The Settlers were powerful because of their increased mobility, they had trains, ships, and horses. Superman has increased mobility—he can fly.
Just like the pilgrims Superman originally survived on the kindness of the Natives.
Superman is white. (Do you think things would have gone differently if Ma an Pa Kent found a black baby wrapped in a towel in a ditch?)
Just like the colonists who were only interested in making money, so too Superman has a weakness for green stones.
Superman is the Man of Steel, and it was steel (guns/bullets/railroads) that helped the settlers conquer the Natives.
When you hear black people talking about “The Man,” what the hell do you think they’re saying? What we got here is not just “The Man,” but “The SUPER Man.” We’re in for a rude awakening.

So don’t be fooled. Just like Settlers who claimed to have Christian values and then basically pillaged North America in the name of manifest destiny, so too Superman will conquer us. Let’s learn a lesson form our Indian Brethren—don’t trust strangers from another land. Powerful strangers from far away spell disaster. Run for the hills. He probably has small pox in his cape.


Medicine Bear


Blogger ninabit said...


ps-"yorrooak" was my word verification ?!

3:12 PM


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