Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Animal Cruelty

Last night my girl went to hang out with her friend who owns a soul food restaurant. It's called M&M's. Shit is addictive. Yeah, I date a black chick, which means I pretty much eat soul food now. I love it when she hangs out with that dude. He's gay and he worked as a prison guard for awhile. I imagine prison is like a gay free-for-all. Total anal madness. Guys probably just hang their strips of beef through the bars while this "guard" milked them. He must have had a field day when they did anal inspections. It must have been Homosexual Heaven. Anyways, now he owns a soul food restaurant.

My girl always comes back with a tone of food. A grip. It's like the UN just food-bombed our shit. At 5 AM this morning, I was walking the dog and gobbling corn bread muffins. Other fools were jogging, but I was chugging juice, washing down all that "mess" carrying a greasy paper sack full of cornbread and HAPPY! I WAS HAPPY Damn it!

But last night my girl started freaking George (Her Dog) out. She bought this stuffed animal. It was Simba, you know that lil' bitch from the Lion King. Simba was a Disney Ex Machina--it could sing and move and respond to voice commands.

The Dog went Ape Shit. Total Section-8. My Girl pushed play and Simba sang "I can't wait to be king" and danced. Her dog started howling, moaning, biting the thing in the face. It growled all wierd, like that chick off the exorcist. The toy really got to the dog. George attacked the thing in the neck, but that made Simba say more shit. Which unnerved the dog, then he started barking at it. Like in his dog language saying, "Get the fuck out of here you adopted freak. That's right they love me and not you!" Then Simba asked George if he wanted to go play by the Elephant Graveyard. George grabbed Simba by the eye and shook him like a rag doll. To really get under the George's skin I petted Simba and said, "Good Dog, good dog." George walked up to Simba and started humping it's head. Just like a man, if I can't kill it, I hump it.

The shit was so funny and my girl loved it. She loves terrorizing the things she loves. I can only imagine one day she's going bring home a stuffed boyfriend that talks and moves and I'm going to have to kick its ass.

Why do me and my girl get so much pleasure out of torturing a quadra-ped? I mean, we love George. We take him out, we bathe him, we feed him. But then everyone once in a while we like to make him trip out. I think there's a seed of evil in everybody that needs to be watered every so often. Just pure, unbridled meanness. I know other people like to make dog's nuts. Just watch America's Funniest Pets and crap. You see people doing mean shit to the pets they love all the time.

Other examples of animal cruelty:

Zoos. Zoos suck, do you really think a wolf is fooled by paintings of trees on his cement cage? You know that wolf is like, "Great. Two-dimensional forests. Just like home."
FRAT DOG - Every Frat has a dog, that is permanantly hungover and a ticking time bomb
I had a friend who peed on his dog once, "Just to see what happened." I asked him what happened and he said, "Nothing."
Dog shows. 'nuff said
Hamster wheels are sort of sadistic. Don't believe me? Ask yourself how your career feels?
When I was like two, my dad gave me a hamster inside a little plastic ball. The little critter would run around the floor. Well I picked up and threw it sidearm into the wall. Hamster go bye-bye.
What about those pony rides? Where they just walk in a circle ass-to-mouth while screaming kids pee on their backs? That's hateful.

Anyways, the bear rolls on,



Blogger ninabit said...

i posted a link to your blog on my family livejournal. thought your ego could use this stroking:

"Thanks M. I needed that. I haven't laughed that hard since the presidential election here in Chad a few months ago. I found myself going through Medicine Bear's archives. Addictive stuff. I'm bookmarking this one. You don't happen to know this man do ya? I'd like to shake his hand.



8:12 AM


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