Monday, September 11, 2006

Crocodile Hunter vs. Grizzly Man


The Aussie use of “mate” is stupid. It’s somewhere between gay-speak and pirate talk. Who in the Hell wants to refer to strangers as a Mate? Isn’t mate something that two animals of the opposite sex do to make babies? Weird shit dude.

Crikey! The Crocodile Hunter is dead. For like a week now.
The news has been on the shelf so long it has brown spots on its yellow skin. His heartsack was lanced by a Stingray’s Barb.

The Sting Ray is still at large. Still living. He is probably wearing a disguise, a fake moustache, assumed the identity of a Sperm Whale. Sipping Mojitos down in Aruba. Becoming an oceanic legend. Perhaps collecting his “exterminator fee” from the crocodiles, who pooled their money together in a Reptilian Tong Association to pay for the hit on the most-annoying-fucker-on-the-planet.

What is a Stingray Barb you ask?

The barb on a stingray can be hidden in sheath, like an uncircumscized pee-pee. If it’s broken off, it can grow back, unlike a pee-pee (see Bobbit case; and Ken Doll). Apparently it’s a modified SCALE, scale as in fish scale, not a tool for measuring Dank weed. This Barb is armored with recurved serrations, sharp as razors. Barb is the perfect name for a device that casuse pain. Barb is bitch’s name. I know many men are being stabbed in the heart by venomous, recurved wives named Barb right now.

Stingrays can whip that tail up and strike a fool…say in the CHEST Cavity. But how do treat a wound from a stingray? Scalding water. They should have boiled up some mole and plunged that into his chest.

What do stingrays eat? Clams, snails, and tiny crabs. Apparently they bury themselves in the sand, they have eyes on the top of their heads. Just like the crack-reinforced Trannies on Santa Monica Blvd. What an anti-climatic death. At least the Grizzly Man was eaten alive by a Grizzly. The Croc Hunter didn’t get that right.

(Being a Medicine Bear, I take special joy in one of my bretheren taking out a Southern California Hippie-Come-Lately)


The Crocodile Hunter is dead. The Grizzly Man is dead. Yet, the guys from Jackass are still alive. I always assumed the Jackass jackasses would die BEFORE the nutty Tarzan-Wannabe’s. I figured shooting your balls up with staples and electrodes was far more dangerous then hanging out with wild animals. I guess not. I guess being an environmentalist is more dangerous than being an idiot skater.

What now? Where do we go from here? Where? I’ll tell you where, resurrection. Yep. Not the Easter, “Oh my god, who stole Jesus’s body” kind of resurrection. I mean Serpent of the Rainbow shit. I’m going to make them fight in a battle royale of the Undead Animal Fools.

First I have to sew Grizzly Man’s body parts back together. I actually have to borrow the arm from his girlfriend. A little cross-stitching, a little duct tape. There, corpse is as good as new. Well, almost.

To make a Zombie you need a witch doctor. Being Indian I have plenty of Witch Doctors laying around. Ok, Here we go.

Now, let me stuff some of this Datura paste (Jimsin Weed) into their rigamortis mouths. Work it around their rotten teeth. Ok, and now just a little BAM! Seasoning from Emeril…and…Oh shit, Grizzly Man’s fingers are twitching. Is someone breathing on my neck? The Crocodile Hunter is sitting up. Ow! He’s jabbed a snake stick in my face. Looks like they’re in a state of semi-permanent induced psychotic delirium.

Great. Now, let me face them towards each other and LET’S GET IT ON!

Crocodile Hunter VS. Grizzly Man

Hmmmmm. Zombie Crocodile Hunter and Zombie Grizzly Man circle each other, their decaying feet shuffling, dropping toes like ashes, staring at each other with lightless eyes, waiting for someone to make a mistake. They seem evenly matched:

Both have Heroic Titles and Metrosexual names:

Crocodile Hunter = Steve Irwin
Grizzly Man = Timothy Dexter

Both criticized for putting themselves in danger by being up close to wild animals.
Both responded by claiming special powers of control over wild animals.
Both killed by wild animals.

GM was a commitment-phobe whose girlfriend died with him, CH was married for 14 years and his wife survived him.

SLAM. Crocodile Hunter draws first blood…or first fermented ooze. He twists GM’s bottom lip off. GM’s upper lip stretches back in a grim smile, while millipedes slither through GM’s exposed chin.

Both made films:

GM film directed by Noted Filmmaker Werner Herzog, CH film directed by a nobody named John Stainton

Rotten Tomatoes gave GM’s Film 92% Approval
Rotten Tomatoes gave CH’s Film 53% Approval

GM punches CH in the Larynx and rips out CH’s voice box. He grinds the yellow voice box between his teeth and says “CRIKEY” in a phlegm-encrusted, crypt-like gasp. When GM swallows, the chewed remains fall to the ground through a hole in his cheek.

CH’s film made 28.4 M
GM made 3.1 M

GM aligned with Discovery Channel
CH aligned with Animal Planet

GM shot most of his own footage
CH footage shot by Tony Politis

CH used his catchphrase Crikey
GM Catch phrase “Hello Mr. Chocolate!”

The Crocodile Hunter plunges the snake stick into GM’s chest in a cloud of coffin-dust. He pulls out a shriveled black heart.

GM auditioned to play Woody in cheers
When CH gets a woody he usually shouts “Cheers, Mate!”

CH famous before death
GM famous after death

CH given live Scrub Boa at age 12
GM given Teddy Bear at age 12 and kept his whole adult life

CH jams his rotten fingers into the green eye sockets of GM. He plucks out the two withered orbs and lays them on his grey tongue.

CH dangled his baby near a Crocodile while he fed it Chicken, baby was not eaten.

GM girl friend eaten by Grizzly Bear, even though he didn’t dangle her in front of Grizzly.

CH trained in Gaidojutzu
GM Man fought like a girl

CH had a fear of parrots
GM had a fear of Park Rangers

GM was recovering Alcoholic
CH was full-blown Australian

GM grabs a chair and whacks CH across the face. CH’s head rolls off his shoulders and splashes into a fish tank. The goldfish nibble on the rotting corpse crumbs floating on the surface. CH’s head rests on top of the toy diver. A string of silver bubbles escapes through his nose.

World mourned CH at time of death
At time of GM’s death, world was busy watching reruns of Woody Harrelson on Cheers.

GM was on Letterman and CH was on Jay Leno: both talk show hosts are still alive.

Both were hated by Sport Hunters

GM born in Long Island,
CH born in Australia which is a really long island

GM was eaten by animal he loved
CM was stabbed by animal he was above

Both have death recorded on video camera
Both won’t have their deaths broadcast

Then GM makes a sniffing sound. He turns around and looks at me. He smells living fresh. Both Zombies stretch their arms towards me, teetering forward for nourishment. I step backward and trip over the XBOX. My head slams down on the glass coffee table. I sense the warm sensation of blood pooling around my neck as I watch the CH Zombie pull my foot towards his mouth.

Half-Eaten Medicine Bear


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am guessing Cellar Part 2 was squelched by heavy censorship from office mates, mate, eh?
ole Aybee

7:29 PM


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