Thursday, June 23, 2005

enlargement of the penis dialogue

so a friend of mine who will remain nameless because she has a "real" job asked me some further questions about being a man and having a penis. this has caused a rapid growth in the forum so i thought i'd point out some other phallic facts.

the strangest thing about being a man is that we pee together. rarely are there dividers at the urinal and often it's just a giant metal trough. here's the discussion:

my friend: why aren't there dividers?

me: i don't know. it is weird. this society assumes men don't mind waving their stuff together.

mf: but, what about privacy?

me: i guess men are supposed to not care. something about being man means you don't get rattled by other male nudity. or maybe we're so "busy" working for a living we're not supposed to have time to care. that is strange. and women all have stalls?

mf: yeah. why would i want to see someone else going to the bathroom?

me: guys aren't watching each other. we stare straight into the wall. i'm an expert in white tile. or you gaze right into the heart of your urinal cake. like a zombie, almost. you actually pretend that you're the only one in the bathroom. that's why guys don't go to the bathroom together.

mf: and you have stalls also?

me: for dropping brown bagels, yep.

mf: two options? that's unfair.

me: i don't know if it's fair or not. but guys who have small soldiers try to hide it by pressing into a stall as far as he can go and shielding it with his body OR they go into the stall. when a guy comes into the bathroom and there are urinals open but he goes into the stall to pee, every guy knows that his "boat" is not a yacht. it's a dingy, for sure. part of the guy code though is not to say anything about it. the bathroom is sort of like switzerland, nuetral territory.

mf: that's kind of gay.

me: i know it is. it really is. this group peeing thing probably goes back to roman and greek days. i think the assumption is that it's a "shared" experience amongst men. we're all on the same team. it actually might be the last "tribal" ritual that we have in the 21st century. men have a shared experience when we pee together. our penis unifies us, where women are "separated."

mf: slow your roll turbo, this ain't the pelican brief. maybe it's just because guys's stuff all looks the same.

me: no it doesn't.

mf: how do you know?

me: because i shower at the gym.

mf: they don't have separate stalls for the showers?

me: women have shower stalls?

mf: yes.

me: unbelievable. women complain soooo loud about social injustice and you all get to shower with privacy.

mf: here? at ucla men shower together?

mf: hell yes. the only shower curtain is for handicapped people.

mf: why do they get privacy?

me: i don't know but it never has handicap people in it. it's always healthy guys who want to shower alone.

mf: you guys shower in the open. that's like prison.

me: i know. it's like this. (i go press myself against her cubicle wall and soap up my chest) see you just stare straight ahead, no turing around. but then you got soap everything up so you gotta do a clean one eighty. (i flip around and soap up the back) you must pretend to be alone. you gotta convince your eyes that you're at home, looking at your shower curtain. every once in a while you'll get some nut job that smiles at you and waves while he's lathering up. you gotta be cool. you don't want to send any mixed signals.

mf: yeah but women have breasts all shapes and sizes. i've seen guys and it's all pretyy much the same.

me: wrong. dude-stuff can be all scrambled up.

mf: maybe sizes vary but that's it.

me: nope. thanks for playing, but nope. some guys have luggage that's bigger than the car. some old dudes have oranges in their christmas stockings. a gay guy told me that he met a dude who's fishing pole had a hook on it. he called it a "barb." some girl told me that her ex-boyfriend had a "neopolitan" desert. like three different colors. some dudes got a turtle neck on their turtle. yeah, no, it's crazy. some luggage is made out of elephant hide, and some luggage is like hard crocodile skin.

mf: if you don't ever look down in the urinal then how come you know all this?

me: (uncomfortable silence) gee, i don't know. you just know. penis osmosis i guess.

i don't spellcheck.


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