Tuesday, June 14, 2005

how to not get laid

a friend of mine who will remain nameless because she could kick my ass in a new york minute was awakened by a strange phone call at 6:23 AM. the following is the transcript:

caller: hello?
my friend: (eyes still sealed shut with eye boogers) hello?
caller: is this ms. [bleep]?
mf: ...yes.
caller: are you a latina?
mf: (still half-asleep) yeah.
caller: mmmmm, i think latina women are sexy.
mf: what is this about?
caller: i am a teacher.
mf: excuse me.
caller: i have my own studio where i teach women how to perform felatio.
mf: ............you're a sick person. you need treatment. (she hung up the phone)

i about laughed my ass off. only a man would hatch a scheme like this, which raises an important issue. women have driven men insane with sex. it's called beaver fever. the "fever" is a condition that warps a man's rational mind into creating madcap schemes to get laid (eg. the old "i'm a photographer gag," the "nice guys finish last syndrome," or the old "i'm a modeling agent.")because it's sooooo difficult.

classic case studies of men sick with the fever are, PAT OBRIEN, BILL CLINTON (his sickness drove him all the way to the white house), HUGH HEFNER (who embraced the fever and built an industry out of it), LARRY KING, DONALD TRUMP, CLARENCE THOMAS. let me be extremely clear: all men have the fever. some are smarter than others in expressing it. it either drives them to the gates of embarrassment or to excell in industry.

a lot of women ask me, "why are guys such liars?" ok, ok, ok, a lot of women ask me, "why do you lie so much." the answer is simple: because i want to get laid. so many books and talk-show personalities are built around "complicating" this issue and yet the simple truth exists like a blade of grass: men want to get laid and women are really picky.

men would be a lot more honest if women would slut-it-up a little more. don't be so stingy. you want us to get to know you? you want to know the real us? then give it up a little easier. dang. but women are sooooo picky that a man has to create an alter ego. call this the "compensator." if you don't believe me, just see how complicated a woman's definition of a good boy friend is:

he must have a sense of humor but be able to be serious at the right time
he must be healthy but not a muscle head
he must be able to cry but also protect me from attackers
he must treat me like a princess but not put me on a pedestal
he must be intelligent but not boring
he must be charismatic but only towards me
he must listen to me without solving any of my problems unless it's something unpleasant and then he should read my mind and perform the duty so that i don't even have to be embarassed by asking him to do something i should have done in the first place.
he must need me but i am NOT his superwoman.

it easier to walk along the razor's edge than to please a woman. that's why men lie. we can't possibly be these things.

if we told you the truth: after a heavy pizza dinner, i really only want to do it once, no i don't care one rat's ass about what kind of car i think fits your personality, and yes, you could lose a few pounds, and actually what you're saying right now is the fifth time you've told me that, no i didn't pick-up on that catty girl's remark at the party because i was purposely not listening to your conversation, no actually, i didn't think that woman is a tramp just because she has breast implants, in fact i think breast implants are great, why would i think of you when i'm rubbing one out? i'm thinking of the woman with the breast implants, no i don't want to hear about your period, periods aren't biological, they're gross, no this isn't the first time i had pet names with a girlfriend, actually i don't want to think about the future because it gives me a headace, no i don't believe in emotional intelligence, i think dumb people made that up to feel smart...etc.

men can't tell women the truth because you'd never sleep with us. that's why we lie.


Blogger ninabit said...

for some reason, whenever you told the truth, it always made things better. thanks a heap, chu. you're stillaces in my book.


1:40 PM


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