Monday, June 20, 2005

how to get laid

gather 'round the fire my little ones and let 'ol uncle medicine bear tell you a story. here, sit on my knee, now move up and sit on my lap, yeah right there...

now i've broken you off some cold facts on relationships and the whatnots. but some dudes might be thinking, "relationship problems? i wish i had relationship problems. i haven't been able to batten down a woman's hatches at all. i can't even get into a relationship, relationship problems are luxury problems. that's like worrying about crumbs when you're eating cake." that's true. ok so for all you "one-handed" bandits who dream about having a "real" girlfriend while you're saving money up for a real doll let me give you medicine bear's six-point plan of mammary gland attack:

1) look hot. look smokin' hot. if you're a hot guy all bets are off. being a hot guy with women is like being in the maffia in vegas. all the doors are open to entry and you don't have to play by the rules. a woman is worse than a man when it comes to looks. women cry that men are shallow, but women are shallowest. they just don't shoot their mouths off like guys. gauranteed the sweet honey you're wrapped around, the one who wants to know your insides has a few dirty panties in her closet...a one night stand, a serious dry humping episode, with a guy that they'd never date, but was totally hot.


if you're an ugly guy:

first, how to tell you're an ugly guy:

1) women cherishes your friendship
2) women tell YOU about the guys they bang
3) women wear sweats around you because they feel comfortable around you
4) women always try to find a girl that's "right" for you (and it's never them)

what to do if you're ugly and want chicks?

1) money. money was invented as a way for ugly dudes to get broads. that's why all the pictures on money are of really ugly men. think about it.
2) eye contact. women cannot resist a man with "piercing eyes" and in a lot of those romance novels have phrases like "he had eyes that looked right through me." be careful, because "piercing eyes" can be confused with "stalker's stare."
3) sense of humor. i don't know why but a joke is like spanish fly to chicks. this is not a news flash. this is why all good comics are fat and ugly, "arty lange, howard stern, rodney dangerfield, chris farley ect."
4) be good at something. if you're an expert at one thing, even if it's "knitting" girls go crazy. they love accomplished men (sorry, but this does not include whacking your widget).
5) last but not least, and this is the toughest, most men can't do this, it is a jedi trick, it is an ancient ninja art: listening. if you can listen to a woman yak without saying anything except, "really," "that's terrible," "that's wonderful," "you must be so sad," "ok," any sappy emotional response code words will do. in fact you can mismatch them. you can throw them out at random because when a woman talks about her self (a lot) they are generally not listening to you. this is the "sounding board" technique.

the sounding board technique is often used by scumbag buddies trying to snag their bestfriend's girl. it's true. the buddy will console the girlfriend while secretly undermining his buddy with phrases like, "he doesn't realize what he has," and "if i had a girl like you, i'd treat her like a queen." it has been proven that semen helps a man listen. the more semen inside of a man the more patiently he'll listen to female wacky-speak. however, once it is drained, the man's ears become irritable and clogged, the once sultry voice of the woman becomes like a estrogen klaxxon horn bursting his ear drums.

i don't spell check


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