Wednesday, June 22, 2005

what is it like to have a penis?

...a lot of women want to know, "what's it like to have a penis?"

well, it's great. it's fantastic really. it gets you into a lot of trouble but at the end of the day, when you're soaping him up in the shower the rollercoaster is worth it.

peeing standing up.

the single most crucial factor that spearates humans from the animal kingdome is standing up. when the human stood on two legs he became intelligent. so naturally peeing standing up is affirms man's place at the head of the world's table. a lot of women don't realize the power of peeing standing up. mainly because they're too angry about all the "rim splattering" that dudes do. but when a man pulls over by the side of the road, and he let's it all hang out and he can piss into the mojave desert while scanning the majestic mountains, it's wonderful. i know women who contend that yes, they can pee standing up. ha ha ha, not really. it's a wrestling match for them. first they got pull their pants all the way down. (men just unzip) then they got to "wrench" their panties out of the line of fire of their pee stream, or flagpole their drawers on one leg. it's almost a russian trapese act for a women to pee standing up. that's why a lot of women don't camp. squatting sucks. just ask yourself this: who has the better experience in the port-o-potties?

but a penis isn't always a bowl of cherries.

1) a man can sleep on his crank and it get's twisted like a pretzel into funny shapes. then when he pees in the morning his pee stream can shoot at about a 45 degree angle. no kidding. i once woke up and my dick was in the shape of a boomerang and i aimed at the bowl but destroyed a whole toilet paper roll.

2) dribblets. it's tough when you pee because you got to shake it a lot, kind like an indian shamamn shaking a tortoise rattle in a rain dance. if you don't then you get the leopard spots down the front of your pants. but if you shake it too much, then you might be sending the wrong signal to rest of the sluggers in the john. when i get spots i carry my book bag low to cover it up, or if i'm alone use the hot air hand dryer for evaporation. this is why black pants sre good. you can pee down the front of them and no one knows.

3) sprinkling. sometimes if you wear flip flops and pee hard into the urinal, you can get sprinkle effect that rains pee on your toes. especially with strangely shaped urinal cakes.

4) zipper bite. 'nuff said.

5) pressure. there's a lot of pressure when you have a penis. especially when you pee around other guys. for some reason when you tense up the pee stays in the cave. and if you just stand at the urinal cradling your johnson and no pee is coming out, then guys around you are gonna think you're some kind of freak. one time i was a t a premiere and i went to the bathroom (free soda and food=me eating way too much). there were 3 urinals. the two outside ones were occupied so i had to go into the one in the middle. and there were no dividers. and the guy on the left was david hasselhoff and the guy on the right was cuba gooding jr. shit. talk about pressure and i was already in too far to just walk out. i had to bite the bullet. i said a little prayer, please god, do not let my dick go desert on me, let me please pee like a normal human being. i was between knight rider and radio. so i had to go to pee-pee serenity land, i thought of a lush green moutnain and the crystal rivers cascading down and is that a parakeet flying through the soft bree....ahhhh and i peed like a normal person. i think cuba was having performance problems because me and david left him there and i didn't hear any "tinkling" and me and david looked at each other like, "wow, who knew cuba liked to hold himslef at the urinal."

i don't spell check.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are brilliant and that is why I love you!

9:15 AM


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