Thursday, June 09, 2005

around the white trash world in a day

i bought a scooter. yep. to supplement my car. it's the way to go in los angeles let me tell ya buddy. you don't like my scooter? i slappah you face. it's the best. i can park anywhere, i get 100 miles to the gallon, and i can thread through traffic. if it's date night, or raining, or i have to carry around linsey lohan's missing fat i got a car.

but a scooter is a strange device. it is like a traveling machine that crosses dimensions into a world of white trashiness. it's kind of like the tornado in wizard of oz. the scooter sucks you up and drops you off in a trailer park.

first, me and my buddy rode our "hogs" into north hollywood to a junkyard that had scooter stuff. i need a new seat. anyways we met this mutant with a handle bar moustache. and like the moustache wasn't kept. it looked like a witch's broom. every time i asked him a question, he didn't know the answer but he'd ramble on anyways.

then he said go see "rooooh-bert-oh" in the back. and he said, "don't walk around you hear? just go straight to roberto." uh-oh i thought. we had to pass a bunch retarded kids playing banjos. it was like pulp fiction. we found a guy bent over the trunk of an orange nova. it looked like the "general lee." the guys stood up and me and my buddy were struck dumb. "roberto" was sooooooo strange looking that our brains forgot language all together. he had a head like that dude from the goonies, i think his name was sloth. my buddy said he looked like the toxic avenger. this guy's scalp was crazy. kur-ayz-ee. it was grey. his scalp was grey, and like that skin on a puppy's belly. a little furry with black patches of skin. he was bald but furry. then he had a white-kinky poof of hair on the front of his head. he had a face like those troll dolls you put on the end of a pencil and make their hair wild, except he was bald. i heard babies crying off in the distance when he stood up. some guy turned into a werewolf when the sun hit his head. it was wild. after about 3 minutes as our eyes adjusted to his creepiness one of us said, "are you roberto?"

anyways, after that we went to another scooter shop to see this dude "billy." yep he was white trash too. my buddy met him last week and said he knew a lot of stuff about scooters. apparently, this guy rides those mini-rice rockets up and down the street while being fat and drunk. so my buddy liked him immediately. anyways, we rolled up and the scene was so strange i am forced to recreate it:

we walk into the scooter shop. tons of cheap plastic mini-motorcyles stand gaurd in front of dusty, empty, glass displays. there's three seedy looking big screen TV's. there were visible scratches from where the TV rubbed against the windows when they lifted it out of someone's house. the air had that heavy stank that lingers in trailer homes. there was like old plastic toys that even swap meet koreans wouldn't sell. it was weird. there was this black dude in a tweed lazy-boy rocking back and forth fiddling with a police scanner. exposed wires hung like ivy around the "store." there was a strange middle eastern man adding an engine to a low rider bicycle. he was wearing a metallic yamulkah. it had a point on it, like an upside down funnel, it looked bullet proof. he reminded me of that video game with the clown on a unicycle that popped baloons with a pointy hat. but he wasn't jolly he was angry. there were no customers, except for us, and nothing had prices on it. everything stopped when we walked in. so my buddy stepped forward:

my buddy: is billy here?

the black dude in the lazy-boy spoke. he was missing some very important teeth.

black dude: who's asking.

bulletproof yamulkah dropped his screwdriver and glared at us wordlessly.

my buddy: uhm, no one. i mean, us. i met him here last week. we're looking for scooter parts.

i looked over my shoulder and counted the number of plastic baby rollers i'd have to hurdle to get out.

black dude: naw man, he ain't here. he's in cedar cyanide.

the hospital is cedars sinai. this guys called it cedar cyanide. but i wasn't about to give any lexicon lessons.

black dude: he's in room, 20212049. yeah, uhm, he had an accident. got his leg amputated.

my buddy: really?

black dude: yeah, ask him about it.

The black dude indicated another middle eastern frowner. no funny hat. it got real quiet. so my buddy was forced to ask. i could us getting deeper into some shady shit.

my buddy: uhm, so billy's in the hospital?

then i heard like some crazy singing from a mosque and i saw the sword of sinbad shoot from this guys eyes. i swear to god. then the strange middle eastern man said:

strange middle eastern man: i can't talk about that.

my buddy: ok.


my buddy: we'll just be going.

we left quietly and quickly.

i don't spellcheck.


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