Thursday, May 26, 2005

Mysterious Woman's Ass

this is going out to the ladies. you know who you are:

i've never seen an ass like this. it's the worse ass since man has been keeping records on asses. i went back to some clay tablets from babylonian times (famous for horrible asses) and read some cuneiform descriptions of bad asses and nothing comes close to this. woah. i mean woah brother.

everytime i see this woman, i say, "what's up..." but what i'm really saying is "what's up with your ass?" it looks like a boiled ham. it looks like a baked apple in a tube sock. and she wears super-tight jeans. i mean super tight. i know that she gets that "red gut ring" because the pants are biting into her stomach. i bet when she takes her pants off she looks like saturn. a huge fleshy diaphonous blob with red rings around it. damn her ass IS flat and wide. like a saddle on its side. and she wears these hip huggers, with the big thick white belt. the kind with the rivets in them. it's crazy. her ass collpases towards the bottom. it's wide up top and then narrow towards the bottom. God made her ass by pouring cellulite into a McDonald's seat and letting it harden. woah nelly. she should buy those foam inserts. those things that look like giant shoulder pads and then wrench them down with three or four layers of support hose...shit, even a garden hose.

any girl reading this wondering if i'm talking about them do this test: walk backwards towards an elephant, if the elephant trumpets "hello." go to an ass doctor immediately.

i know this is mean but i had to get it off my chest. i've been holding this ass stress for a long time. jesus. she has full on conversations with me and i'm forced to bite my tongue. i can't say a word. she even talks about horse riding. like she's way into it and i want to tell her NOOOOOOO. the saddle and galloping 16 hand stallion is just pounding your milk-fed veal into hamburger. but instead all i say is, "sounds like fun." her ass looks like a soggy anvil. god help me.

god i hope she never reads this...

speaking of that. the white girl i talked about a few notes back. the one i sais was so white and thin that she made michael jackson look ghetto. like a total dip shit i told her about the blog. i know, i know. i forgot what i had written. i'm an idiot. anyways, my other friend said:

my other friend: you shouldn't have told her that.

me: why?

mof: remember what you said about her. skinny and white?

me: first of all she won't read it and second of all this is hollywood, calling a woman skinny and white is actually a compliment.

true enough. she came back and told me that she read the part i had written about her and then she laughed and said, "at least you called me skinny."

i tried to put a better spin on it by saying, "i said thin..." but the cat was out of the bag. then i remembered i also wrote about the large black woman that works in the office. uh-oh. i said she had suasage fingers. holy shit. she's going to kick my ass. i didn't mean sausage fingers, i meant, nice thin coctail weannie fingers. this lady could clean my clock son. she could straighten out my bill if you know what i mean. i had to run back to "thin" girl and beg not to say anything lest i die premature (and immature).

by the way, the thin chick does have some big gazabas. i know she's reading this but it's true. the fact that she's thin makes her boobs even bigger. probably C cup but threatening to be a D. a little breast milk ought to blow 'em out a skoash.

if my girl is reading this i love you baby.

i'm a guy and guys look at boobs. no kidding, the new pope in his opening address i saw him looking at a nun's tit. no lie. he was saying something in latin but i could tell the guy in him was like, "i wonder what sister maria's lactatoes look like unleashed."

i even look at like 70 year old boobs even though i don't want to. it's a guy thing. it never ends. i'd much rather make 1/4 less salary and clean house real good than have to stare at breasts all day. ok, that's a lie. boobs are great, but it does cause a lot of eye strain.

i don't spell check. but i do breast exeaminations (on my girl only and you can take that to the bank...the sperm bank...ewwwwwwwww, ok tooooo far, one more time, i went way to far.)


Blogger ninabit said...

hey. i do boob checks, too. only 'cause i want to help. usually gals be wearin THE WRONG bra and it does nothin' to help others enjoy their boobs. proper support is a must, unless of course you just go thome from work and have taken your bra off to get some goddamn rest and repose from that beast that burdens the breasts! but really, i am sizing chests up all the time and doing lingerie (sp?) makeovers all the time. i think i've been caught a few times, too, by these women who buy nasty bras. it's sick, i know, but i'm an aesthete. except when it comes to my car. my car is dirty as all hell.

yours in science,

12:31 PM


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