Wednesday, October 19, 2005

going corporate

i successfully completed the master cleanse. by the end of the ten days i was crapping out desert air and pissing artesian well spring water.

it was quite an experience. i wasn't "high" like some of the macrobiotic militia would have me believe. i did feel like i had a lot of energy. how could i "eat" less but gain more power? it wasn't that i had more energy, it was that i had more time. i didn't realize this but eating gobbles up more of my day than television. first, i spend an hour thinking about my future food possibilities, taco truck or quizno's? souplantation??? CPK???? pastrami? the possibilities are endless. then i spend about an hour eating. mmmm toasted bread on a sandwich tastes good, mmm yes, i'll have another round of tortilla chips, mmmm and a refill on the soda please. [i rub my tum-tum like pooh bear] that's right my little stomach, it's just me and you right now, this is our time, our time to be together. then i spend about an hour after i eat hating myself for what i just ate and being pleasantly suprised by burps that taste like lunch. 3(meals a day)X 3(hours) = a shitload of time spent on food. on the cleanse i had an extra 1/3 of day to do what i wanted with.

when i got off the cleanse the first thing i ate was a chimichanga. the hippie book specifically warns you NOT to eat too soon lest ye be faced with DIRE CONSEQUENCES. i was supposed to drink orange juice for another two days. i drank one glass oj and felt cheated. you mean after ten days of not eating anything, i'm supposed to recuperate by two more days of not eating anything? so i got a chimichanga, that's right, i went gangbusters see, top of the mark kid, yeah, gimmie a chimichanga hector and make it snappy see...

how bad could the consequences be? i also ate tortilla chips, jalopenos, rice and beans. it was shocking the amount of gas that welled up in me. i felt like i was destroying the ozone layer by myself. but that was it. a lot of gas and an upset girlfriend. nothing else. i will say this though: i couldn't finish the chimichanga. that was crazy. i'm a clean plate eater, and i couldn't finish a chimichanga. the last time i didn't clean my plate was my fourth trip through the sizzler buffet. although, it'll probably only take me a week to stretch my gut back out with peanutbutter stuffed pretzels and diet shasta cola. god i'm idiot.

besides that, i got a new job. a corporate thing. yep, a tie and a shirt. i work for some accounting firm that makes dough off of executives and off of life insurance. don't ask me how it works, they've hidden their parlor trick with an avalanche of white paper and acronyms.

the corporate world is weird. it's mostly populated by hot chicks, who usually work at the front desk in the lobby but act like they work in corner office with the biggest windows. maybe they act like that because thay're bopping the guy with corner office. then there's the asian guys with spiky hair. no long haired asians, no shaved head asians, just asian dudes with gelled spiky hair. and then of course there's a huge school of metrosexual white guys swimming around. i think they think i'm an asian, which is weird, because i don't have any spiky hair.

i've decided to go underground and really write about the corporate gig. i'm going to face their world in a hug of death. i will blend in amongst them. wear their shoes, listen to their conversations, see who's poking who. the whole chimichanga, and i'm going to report it.

right now i'm sitting at a cubicle next to a black dude (the only one in the company) named gary who's reading a book entitled, "pimp." no lie. this guy likes to work with the lights off over his cubicle. something about the flourescent lights killing his spirit and shit. flourescent lights = damaged spirit, book entitled "pimp" = restored human heart.

OH! I almost forgot, you must visit this sight:

click here gelfling

this is what white dorks do. they pretend that they're in the medieval period and that they have to wield swords. this guy works with my best friend. he's really into this stuff. it is not a joke. it's like his religion, sort of like wicca or something. anyways, i highly recommend the video where he DARES you to join him on the "quest for the crystal."

i don't spellcheck


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Blogger Scooter Girl said...

Glad you can fart with pride after now completing the master cleanse. How's the corporate gig? I may be looking for a new job...any openings?

7:58 PM

Blogger ninabit said...

dude, you said, "bopping!"

i love it.

9:46 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


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