Monday, October 03, 2005

master cleanse

it's finally happened. i've been in LA so long that i've succumbed to a "health fad." my girl decided to do the "master cleanse" which basically means she decided i should do the master cleanse.

all i eat--excuse me, all i drink is ten cups of lemon juice and maple syrup, and i'm doing this for ten days. i'm five days into the stink of it. no food, christ, just lemonade. but that's not all--in the morning i guzzle a liter of salt water. not any kind of salt, no. it must be non-iodized sea salt. an hour after i drink the solution i sit on the toilet and explode like the trade towers. this ten day program is supposed to rid me of my toxins. which is nuts because i live in LA. if i shit out a bunch of carbon monoxide won't i just absorb more with the next breath i take? and even if i detoxify my system, don't i get polluted everytime i have a conservation with anotehr frustrated twenty-something? anwyays, that's what i'm doing. and all of these "trader-GI-joe's" keep telling me crazy lies: "you're going to feel such clarity." "you're going to crave healthy food after this." "don't you feel closer to god?" "you'll love the taste of bell peppers." SHUT UP!

this is just like when a fat guy gets sick: for one week his body's need for "sleep" overrides his gut's desire to eat. he loses weight on nyquil and bobbing along consciousness. when he gets healthy, he looks in the mirror and finally sees a rib or two. he thinks, "wow, that was easy, now all i have to do is keep it off." two passes through the drivethru and he's already bigger than he was before he got sick, sitting there at the stoplight, with mustard on his chin, pinching his stomach and fantasizing about getting sick again.

but, this fast did give me a revelation. this "fasting" has put me in touch with a higher power--junk food. i love junk food. i never realized how much i loved junk food until i couldn't eat it anymore. and i'm tired of being ashamed of it, so i made a list of my favorite junk foods.

1) jack in the box: king of the diverse menus. you can get a panini or a teriyaki bowl. it's like visiting italy and japan in the same day. jack's crowning culinary achievement is the monster taco. it's an oily, hard crispy shell with seasoned "moosh" inside. sort of like a giant cripsy won-ton. i don't know what the supposed "meat" is. it's like jack scraped all the underwear in tijuana and stuck it in a tortilla. so good.

2) french fries. there were potatoes and there was hot animal fat and god said "let there be fries." the only thing better than salted fried carbohydrates, is washing down salted fried carbohydrates with carbonated caffiene drinks. so good. a lot of people say mcdonald's has the best fries, but i think they're in a patatoe-decline. i've noticed their fries getting a little waxier, and they aren't as hot as they were. burger king's fries are seriously underrated. jack in the box's fries are good because they have that fleck of potato skin on the ends, and they have curly fries. sometimes i can really do some steak fries. except, you got be careful. steak fries have two temperatures: external and internal. when you bite into a steak fry you can sear your lips on the moltent potato inside. i hate shoe string potatoes: they taste like stale french fries. as far as i'm concerned carl's juinior doesn't sell fries, they sell hot, wet toothpicks. my favorite part of eating french fries is the "shake" at the bottom of the container. there's always a few small, hard salt-encrusted tidbits. the grease has soaked all the way thru the potato and it's translucent. mmmmmm

3) let's discuss seven eleven: i'm afraid of the 1/3 pound hamburger-hot dog thing. it looks like a huge spinning piece of shit. but, i have eaten their taquitoes. i'm not proud of it. but, they were good. i don't know what flavor they were shooting for, i'm not even sure i know what a taquito is, but damn, it wasn't bad. now let's kneel in prayer: "we have come here together to celebrate baby jesus and to thank him for inventing the APPLE FRITTER because it's covered in sugar, and because though it is only one donut, it IS the biggest donut, thank you for making a pastry that is really like eating two pastries, amen."

4) pizza-bites. i love pizza bites, little pizza spring rolls. it was the pizza bite that taught me to hate the conventional oven...(preheat oven to 450 degrees...fuck that) in the instructions it tells you to let the pizza bites cool for ten minutes. aw hell no. i'd rather scorch the roof of my motuh with piping hot marinara sauce. sometimes after i eat pizza bites, i'll have a wet flag of skin hanging from the roof of my mouth. but it was worth it.

5) oh, burger king gets an honorable mention for "chicken fries." if you don't know about them, go there now.

6) carnival food. mmmm funnel cake. mmmmm corndogs. corndogs are great. anyone who thinks they're too good for a corndog is pompous and a pompous liar. no one is above a corndog. even the new pope (who reminds me of one of the golden girls) likes corndogs. i even like the little crust-glob that's stuck on the stick.

7) movie theater popcorn. it always makes me sick later but i love it.

8) mcRib. what is it? just shut up and eat.

9) i tried to get behind the six-dollar burger but, it's i don't know. it's a whole ordeal. does it cost six dollars, no it's only three, but why do they call it a six dollar burger, because it's like a six dollar burger...way confusing. why would i want to eat an identity crisis?

10) i don't know why i think of wendy's as healthy fast food but i do. by the way, someone tell mcdonald's to quit trying to make salad fun. it isn't fun. it's raw. just beacuase they put it in a "cup" and you can shake it, does not make salad fun. dopes.

11) kfc is good but it's too damn expensive. does it really cost that much to raise chickens? can't they just raise them in grabage bags or something?

12) hawaiian potato chips. love 'em. the thicker slice can hold more grease. also, tim's cascade's chips are great. everyone likes dorito's but i especially love licking the fake-cheese dandruff off my fingers. it's like having five more chips after the bag is gone.

13) grilled cheese sandwiches. the faker the cheese the better.

14) frozen pizza. no stoner and no middle-school student could survive without tony's frozen pizza, pizza pockets, or even bagel bites. frozen pizza is the staple of the teen age diet. frozen pizza was invented during WWII. some dude was stationed in IWA-JIMA and he was trippin.' he told his brother in Newark that he could handle the "japs" if he could eat a pizza like mama made at home. his brother figured out how to deliver a frozen pizza to his brother and boom, spicoli's around the world found a new life.

fast-food pepperoni is interesting. inside pizza-pockets and atop some cheaper frozen pizzas are tiny bits of "pepperoni cubes." who makes these pepperoni cubes and how are they made? i'm not really sure, if anyone knows let me know.

quick sheet:

weird sugary mexican bread with the pink crust (must have milk to avoid choking hazard)
cap'n crunch cereal, natural or peanut butter
peanut butter sandwiches...mmmm taste like a donut, but it's called a sandwich
any, and i mean any ice cream cake
potstickers...just because it's asian doesn't mean it's not junk food
mcgriddle. don't judge me until you've had one.

i don't spellcheck.


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Anonymous Michael C. said...

Dear Sir,
Please get your facts right before you start slandering and stating untruths. «The first Pippi Långstrump book was published in 1945, and soon became one of the all-time classic books of children’s world literature»
Wendy's was founded by David Thomas in 1969 So....Dave Thomas was trying to make his poor red headed step child look like the "Ever Popular" PiPi Mother Fuckin Longstocking....Uhm Bitch. :P
Michael C.

11:31 AM


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