Monday, October 31, 2005

men don't do halloween

notice: the highlighted words within the text are links to associated info or pictures to the material. feel free to click on them. -mngmnt.

who loves halloween more than kids? women. you know who loves halloween more than women? gay dudes.
the corporate myrmidons on my floor asked me what i was going to be for halloween. i told them, "a man for christ sakes!" men do not dress up for halloween. earning a living goes against playing "pretend.". you can't work eight hours a day grinding your soul down to pencil shavings and then put on clown make-up for candy.

in the elevator this white chick was so excited about holloween that she asked this black dude what he was going to be for holloween. the black man stared at her with that cold, far off stare that says, "silly white woman, i am a black man in a corporate environment, the only costume i am agreeing to wear is the stupid suit of my oppressor." then the the woman actually said, "you know what you should be? you should be a gorilla."

the black man said nothing. he didn't have to. i swore i heard shaka zulu's voice shriek off in the distance. and just for an instant, i saw a rage in his eyes. then he smiled and said nothing, but i knew there were words boiling in his throat, and they probably were something like this, "silly white bitch, don't you know that when it's holloween you never, ever suggest a primate costume to black man in america."

lets' talk about costumes.

1) there are always too many pippi longstockings. i hate the silly red-headed bitch. i don't know why it is, but chicks love to be pippy. if you ask me, she's biting Wendy's (the hamburger joint) style. i hate those fake ass freckles too. they remind me of all those wierd mexican comedy shows where like, old burned out alcoholic pedophiles dress up like children.

2) white guys got two costumes. they either get a furry hat and a cape and go as a pimp and then walk around calling women bitches an ho's for a day, which is as offensive as you can get. i mean if i was a pimp and i saw these pencil necked white dudes saying crap like, "where's my money bitch" i'd be pissed. and you know these guys got teensy little white peepees. sheeeeeit. if i was a pimp, i'd go around on holloween kicking some major ass. maybe even sell these geeks into white slavery at some turkish bathhouse. the other thing white guys love to do is dress like women. they love it. if i was a pimp, i'd grab these cross dressing bafoons and slap the taste out of their mouths.

3) black women love to go as cat woman, or a black cat. maybe because of eartha kitt or something.

4) if you're trying to make a fashion statement and buy a bunch of clothes. and then on holloween you look around and everyone is dressed like you and calling it a costume? that means you statement is over. that goes for: hippies, football players, doctors, 1920's gangsters, flappers, indians, cowboys, criminals dressed in black and white stripes...etc.

5) no one dresses like a lawyer for halloween.


the best:

take 5 - some mother'effer finally stuck a pretzel in a candy bar.
kit kat - always crunchy. never enough. obly hang up: they melt to easily.
atomic fire balls - a jaw breaker that burns your mouth. pure genius.
sweetarts - mmmmmm
hot tamales - red hot glowing cinnimon-flavored rat turds...mmmm
pop rocks - technology at it's finest
sour patch kids - little sour boogers shaped like children, yum.

the worst:

candy corn - what the hell flavor is it? it tastes like sweetened wax. who wants to eat candy named after a vegetable that looks like rotten teeth? i tried eating just the white part, then the orange, then the yellow--it's all the same damn flavor. someone's asleep at the flavor switch at the candy corn company.
3 musketeers - what a mistake. they should just call it ca-ca in a foil wrapper. it's pure nuget. i don't even know what nougat is. horrible.
wax lips - knock it off. it ain't that good. it's got a kitsch factor, but honestly, wouldn't you rather just chew gum?
that white and green swirl taffey in big bins at the supermarket -
black licorice anything - terrible. it's from the paleothic era when there was no candy. it tastes like nyquil. ech.


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I agree about the pimp costume and TAKE 5s. I bought a bag for the kids and kept it for myself.

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