Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Chucky is Karl Rove's illegitimate love child

in a sickening trist at fat camp, karl rove canoodled with the onsite nutritionist. the abhorrent outcome is this maladjustant mutant which has starred in so many films and nearly died twice at cedar sinai from tranquilizer overdose.

if madonna got any whiter she'd be invisible. something about the way madonna looks makes me think she could be real mean to her servants. like she might stay in bed for weeks, totally whacked on pomegranate juice and spirolina. i could just see her smoking botox and shooting a crossbow at her husband "the director." she probably doesn't wash for days on end, and puts a heating pad under ass, and let's her lap simmer under the blankets, and then calls him up and forces him to finish his marital "meal." "the director" probably pores over klaus von bulow biographies, thinking of a way, a way to kill off "the bitch" but keep all her money.

apparently madonna was a hit at the MTV Music Awards. which proves that MTV is not "age-ist," they don't care how geriatric or infirmed their awards show is, they air it anyway.

Maddona and Axel Rose should go bowling.

it's fascinating to watch stars get old. i love it. madonna, arnold schwarzenggar. as there stars rise, we think "wow, they're like gods." and then time bears down on them like a raging stampede of demonic buffalo, and they get arrested, they throw phones at hotel clerks, they take "naps" with boys, they botox the skull right out of their face, their bodies succumb to gravity, and their end becomes more real, like an impressionist's painting adding the final dots that articulate the wrods, "the end." how the stars deal with it, is fascinating. the average mope doesn't have money to fight effects or friends who'll lie to them. the average mope accepts getting older with a donut and coffee, maybe a little miller highlight. he doesn't go into a spastic frenzy because he's surrounded by others who are getting older too and it's quite uncouthe in the blue collar ranks to complain about the obvious. but the stars go shrill, "how could this be happening to me. i was so, special." and the fifty-year old black woman busdriver with pencils stuck in her graying hair and stretch marks that look like a relief map of the gobi desert puts her hands on her hips and says, "heh heh heh." which may explain why some people believe there is a voodoo curse from women in the carribean on black american divas.

Stars aging gracefully:

arnold schwarzeneggar: let's face it. even though his chest looks like freeze dried chicken, it's still bigger than any of us, and he became the governor, and left hollywood.

meryl streep: she looks like how she's supposed to look. an older white woman. there isn't too much obvious plastic surgery and she's not trying to stay current by having boyfriend troubles.

edward james olmos: his face was so pitted and ugly in his youth, that old age doesn't seem to affect him. it's hard to have laugh lines when they're embedded in acne scars. however, he has kept his composure and KICKS MAJOR FUCKING ASS on the new battle star galactica series. i liked him before (if you recall, he was the "finger man" in stand and deliver, as well as salena's father..."i would do anything for the father of salenas!") he's so good in the series that he needs to be in everything from here on out. totally underrated.

Morgan Freeman - although he's aspecial case because he was already "aged" when he became a star.

pam grier - mmmmmhm. like my girl always says, "black don't crack."

a little long in the tooth:

john cusack: he's not FUGLY yet, but there's something wierd going on. his face is ripening like a turnip.

courtney love: although she's never been actractive, she looks even worse than ever. can anyone say CRISCO?

Kathy Griffith: she's not really famous, but woah, that's a man baby! her skin looks like it's been dipped in chunky peanut butter.

alec baldwin: it's finally safe to say it, "stephen is the good looking one."

i know i missed a lot, but at this point i stopped caring.

F spellcheck!


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Anonymous cruster said...

I am aging like a fucking princess.

- Carolynn Spies

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Anonymous cruster said...

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