Thursday, January 12, 2006

Back From Europe

“…rising up, back on the streets, took my time, took my chances...”

What up sacks and sackless? Your boy is states side again after a three week tour of France, Spain, and England. And yes the rumors are true, Europe is GAY!

Ok top things on my trip.

1) French food: It ain’t hype. Chocolate Crepes (which look like a dirty diaper), Fois Gras, which is fatty goose liver, and Baguettes which rhymes with Faggots (not an accident I think.) It’s all good, in the tum-tum.
2) Spanish weather: Definitely the most warm in those three countries.
3) French Circus: Nothing like Circ Du Soleil. We got the pirated version called “Circ Du Sol…(wink, wink).” It was one of those Russian jobs, where all the animal trainers look run over by a Schmirnoff truck, and the trapeze artists are escaped convicts. Clowns in any language are lame.
4) Saint Maries De La Mer: This is the town where like 10000 gypsies show up once a year. I did not know that Gypsies are Christian.
5) Eiffel Tower: Honestly, it really is pretty cool.
6) Westminster Abbey: This is where they crown the kings and queens of England, and where, the priest was happy to tell me, they laid Princess Diana to rest.

The US is by far a more superior country:

The US is by far a greater country than all of Europe. We got COSTCO. I’ll take 350 rolls of toilet paper for five bucks…thank you! We got big refrigerators. We got Free Ketchup! We have clean restrooms in restaurants. We got wide streets. Ice is no problem here. We got a little thing called Customer Service in the US. We’ve got decent water pressure. Americans have the best breakfasts in the world. Trust me, there ain't no chicken and waffels in Europe. One week in Europe and you’ll steal the teeth out of your grandma’s mouth for a pancake. We got lots of freeway with no tolls on it. We got plenty of good beef jerky.

And to all you romantics out there, Castles were not constructed so princesses could let down their hair. There is nothing romantic about castles. They are fortresses, designed for killing. Those nice little windows are for people with crossbows to shoot people in the eyes safely. Those nice walls are designed to make it easier to pour boiling oil on people.

True, there is a wealth of history in Europe, but it’s all about war:

First thing I learned: Europeans are the cause of the world’s problems. They started all the World Wars, no one asked them to visit their country and conquer them but they did anyways, and don’t forget all those summer camps where they killed Jews. The reason why Europeans don’t commit “crimes” is because what they do isn’t defined as a crime, it’s called “diplomacy,” or “ethnic cleansing.” All the crimes committed by people of color are zero compared to Europeans.

Anyways, I’m so glad to be back, that I spellchecked.


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