Tuesday, November 22, 2005

my girlfriend's in trouble

well my girl finally did it. She set the woman's movement back another 20 years with a single blog entry on her site www.blackmantis.blogspot.com. let the record show that my girl didn't get the idea to blog, until i started. also let the record reflect that my girlfriend is technologically challenged. before i taught her what it was, she thought a "blog" was some kind of yogurt drink.

Now this post that she placed is absolutely a perfect specimen of the female mind. it is like a polaroid of their web-like and circular logic. i have pasted her post down below to save the trouble of bouncing back and forth between sites. i have inserted my analysis inbetween her post, which is marked by quotes. ok, her we go, roll tape...

"I just hung up the phone and I am so....Confused. Here it goes. My dear friend, whom I adore, professed his love for me. I am speechless. I mean I just don't understand how it got all twisted. First of all, I haven't spoken to him in years. We reconnected (a couple of weeks ago) after he tracked me down by calling my father."

ok...she creates the environment, it's mysterious, somewhat tragic, a bevy of heavy emotions are in flux, like the flux capacitor from back to the future. This is a typical female lament: I am so confused. A guy I considered a dear friend wants to dock at tuna harbor, what happened? i love how this confuses woman. this would nevre confuse a man. if a man had a woman who was a friend, and then she wanted to do the sweaty, there is absolutely no confusion, either it's a greenlight, or an intitial red, followed by a late-night caution yellow if nothing else comes through first. back to the footage...

"Dad: Hello sweetheart
me: D a d d y!!!
Dad: Do you know a Fred?
me: huh?
Dad: He says you two are really good friends? He's a doctor...
me: (here it goes..my dad is auctioning me off) mmmmmmmm..Yeah...He went to UT.
Dad: Very nice... Well, I wanted to see if its okay if I gave him your number.
me: Dad...I know what you are trying to do...
Dad: I am just giving your number
me: I know..but I have a boyfriend
Dad: Just giving your number.....gotta go...sweety pie..
Me: dad....dad... damn"

here my loveley recreates the sweet (gag) conversation with her father, so that no one is confused on how this guy tracked her down. women love to add unimportant details to tell you more about themselves. in this instance she's saying: I'm so unbelievabely hot, that grown men bother the aged to get my phone number. never forget, that woman has two favorite topics, 1) herself, and 2) what she's GOING to do? Roll tape...

"Why is it that my father finds the need to marry my ass off? Ahhhh... the suffocation of marriage. What a girl really wants! A man that will eventually suck the life out of her!"

...uhm a father tries to marry his daughter off so she doesn't keep borrowing money.

"Oh..back to my story....

So, Fred and I began talking again. It was nice but then he wanted to come and visit. My radar started to siren off."

ok a couple of points:
1) my GF never told me about Fred (sounds like a fag to me).
2) typical female speak: radar started to siren off.'nuff said.

roll it..

"me: Great... Let me know when.
Fred: I can't wait to see you. I bet you haven't aged one bit"

... what a don juan. this guy's a real smoothie...eh? real sweety pie. mothereffer. so charming. how'd he like to meet some charming friends in the backroom at Fatty's tavern, they could open up his stomach, make him real smooth....back to the tape.

"me: well I guess you have to see...
Fred: You know, Naz, I never quite got over you moving away so quickly.
me: huh? it wasn't that quick
Fred: Sure it was....remember you were supposed to meet my mom
me: huh? well I don't remember that."

great. this means, that this guy just left a bad breakup. whenever a guy becomes relationship road kill, he always seeks historical trim. he's there, on the john, holding his head in his hand (hopefully just his head), reminiscing about what went wrong. now he has to start over. he may be too old and worn out to "start over." there's got to be a fast way to get back into some kind of relationship and that's when the "girl from the past pops" in his mind. "girl from the past" girl is always a good girl. "girl from the past" girl has been waiting for you to call. he already knows her so he doesn't have to start over. enough time has passed so she might have forgotten what a creep he is. it's perfect. it's just so crazy it just might work...

roll it...

"Fred: Well, I just didn't understand why you left without saying good bye.
me: I told you I was leaving...What's the big deal?"

women love to twist the knife. they pretend that they don't know we're secretly pining away for them. they just want to watch our legs squirm as they drive that needle into the back of our heads...

"Fred: You don't get it.
me: get what?"

see? get what? my girl can tell if a woman at party is a bitch just by looking at her, and now, she doesn't "get it." at this point i feel sorry for the guy. maybe i'll take him to fatty;s for a drink...after they opens up his guts...

"Fred: never mind
me: come on....."

nevermind? does this dude have testicles? he's now switched gears, he's trying to guilt trip his way into the vagina monologues. however, my girl does say "come on..." most guys think it's because they want to hear us out. this is false, women just want to hear anguish because in a woman's mind, the more anguish and confusion a man goes through over his feelings for them, then the more desireable they must be. ana analogous situation exists for males, except it's poop. the bigger, and stinkier a man's poop is, the more "manly" he is.

"Fred: I still....care about you...I never stop thinking about you....You know, Naz, we just had a great time. You mean a lot to me.
me: (fuck fuck fuck....abort....abort....fuck fuck) ummm Fred....I didn't know....I don't know what to say.....um....sorry....um.....I never knew.(Then I thought...wait a minute....I never even slept with Fred...ummm... damn...one drunken night we did kiss...alot, but that was it...fuck!)"

aha! see this shit. women do this all the time. here she is acting like she doesn't know what "feelings" Fred is having and yet she made out with him. that's why guys go nuts in realtionships. women are very manipulative. any man, reading this now, never, for a second believe that a woman is ignorant of your feelings. if she play like she doesn't know about them, that means: she doesn't like you, but would like to hear how much you like her.

"Fred: you're still so naive! giggles
me: yeah....(I awkwardly giggle)
Fred: well...we can move forward....if you want
me: (fuck fuck ).....I...I...I am really really honored but.....I have a boyfriend.
Fred: Is it serious?
me: yeah,we are exclusive.
Fred: Oh...well (a long silence) that's my other line....I will call you back.
me: k?
Fred: bye....click"

giggling? he is a fag. by the way, my girl is not naive. here is proof. she's giggling but screaming "fuck...fuck...fuck..." in her mind. no woman is really naive, only men are.

However, typical guy fashion, after all of his harlequin romance oily-haired rhett butler sap, the guy jumps off the phone as soon as he knows my girl's ebony gates are closed.

"Fuck....Why does this shit always happens to me. I never send the let's "do it" signs. I just am very ...friendly.... fuck..... Damn. It can't be just me...I know that this has happen to plenty of people, right?!! So, I am taking it to the polls. Have you had someone misconstrue your friendship for something more? Tell me!"

Oh fey...whatever shall I do? Oh me, Oh my...this shit happens to girls because they drunkenly slobber-wrestle with dudes and then bail out of town. "I never send the let's do it sign, I'm just friendly" wow. i mean wow, really. that's cold. see a "let's do it sign" to a guy usually involves drunken kissing. if not tonight, at least some point int he future. shit, a guy thinks you want to have sex if you give him a hug hello. women are different. to them sex is just sex. foreplay is meaningless. they'll throw you a little and then watch your fat crackle over the flames as they say, "what? you want to have sex? but we're just friends."

"Well, I guess there will be no visit from Fred and now I have to hear the silence on the other end of the phone when I tell my father that I shot down the doctor. Damn! But hey...I've just gained major boyfriend points!!! (Love you, baby!)"

this is hardly a "shot down." more like an ugly forced landing. and as far as points? she may have forfeited earlier points. i don't necessarily see the above conversation as a heroic defense of our relationship...hmmmm, maybe i can use guilt to turn negative girlfriend points into postive boyfriend points. she may actually have to be quiet for a couple of days.

this just proves her fathe hates me...

i don't spellcheck.

i love to embellish!"


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Trust me if my father hates you...you will know it! Besides that, this was a very funny blog and I love you!!! Did I get girlfriend points....? You know I should!!!

2:39 PM

Blogger tuliplovr said...

Medicinebear, this same exact thing happened to me a few months ago!! I was shocked too. Oh well, I guess we girls will never know our full power :-)

3:04 PM

Anonymous jenn said...

dock. at. tuna. harbor.


8:54 PM


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