Wednesday, February 08, 2006

American's Fascinated by their asses

The other day a friend of mine informed me that she and her boyfriend take colon cleansing vitamins. What? This “endomorphic,” couple have absolutely no problem whoofing down a McRib or two or even taking a few beers to the neck. But their health consciousness has them take vitamins to ensure they have Olympic-conditioned shit sleeves.

What the hell is America’s fascination with colon cleansing? What a bizarre perversion. Someone can drift through polite society and overhear wealthy white women brazenly describe scooping things out of their ass as they nibble water crackers. These pearl-creamed bougiousie phenoms list the bugs and beezlebubs, and bogeymen, and worms hiding in their ca-ca. They’re so nonchalant about it that you’d think they were talking about croquet. But in an atomic burst of hypocrisy, these people won't discuss anal sex or look at the toilet paper after they wipe.

It is my personal belief that Colon Cleansing is the new "exorcism." The high-water mark for believing in ghosts was Poltergeist and that was in 1982. Since Poltergeist 2 and 3, ghosts have faded out of the collective conciousness and the remaining fragments were shot to shit by the Blair Witch Project. No one believes that a demon can posessess a body anymore (except for Pat Robertson), so what's the next best thing? My ass is posessed by a demon. Instead of having exorcisims, people are getting enema's. They strip-mine their asses hoping to wash away the invisible evils that their gluttonous mouths have swallowed. Instead of drowing people it a silt-infested river, John The Baptist should have given those desert-clingy-people an enema. He could have been called John the Colonic.

Somehow all this ass play made it to Hollywood. According to articles Damon Wayans (what?) is into it, Princess Di took it up the old dirt road, and MAE WEST!!!??!?!

Here's a sickening quote I excerpted from a ghastly article entitled THE BENEFITS OF AN ENEMA by Dr. Jensen:

"It is interesting to note that the famous beauty queen, whom I knew, Mae West, was a great believer in the benefits of the enema. She started every day with a morning enema. I’m sure that this simple practice greatly contributed to her unusual vitality, bright mindedness and long lasting attractiveness, as true beauty is but a reflection of the beauty within."

By the size of Mae West, that must have been a huge wall of brown water. It could have rivaled the one that swallowed the coast of Thailand.

I actually think some people in America are trying to "annihilate" their ass. They seem to hate their ass and wish they never had one. Perhaps it reminds them who they are, perhaps it leads to Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I don't know. Some people go so far as to bleach their anus. No shit. Pun intended. This magnified focus on getting rid of our asses only intensifies the fact that an ass is like an opinion: everyone has one. It makes us more "anal" about our anus. Myabe that's the problem. An ass makes someone "common." Perhaps these thin white women think that is they erase their bungholes (oh btw, a bunghole is a hole in a cask, keg, or barrel through which liquid is poured in or drained out. Makes sense right?) that they will become superhuman, like a god. Everyone knows gods and supermodels don't shit. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness. Someone should tell these people that only other animals focussed this much on feces are chimps and dogs.

Anyways here are some common ass myths that get sent around a lot:

1) John Wayne died with 40 pounds of undigested red meat in his colon:

No autopsy was performed on John Wayne when he succumbed to cancer in 1979. The medical examiner's office had no reason to hold an autopsy since Wayne had obviously died from natural causes, and hospital pathologists had little to learn by requesting the autopsy of a cancer patient who had already undergone several major surgeries (and Wayne's family would almost certainly have denied such a request).

2) Richard Gere let a gerbil suffocate in his ass for erotic pleasure:

Not a shred of evidence has ever been unearthed to prove it. And while Gere himself has never confirmed nor denied it — nor, indeed, spoken of it directly at all — neither has any credible witness come forward in the twenty-odd years this story has been in circulation offering firsthand testimony to back it up.

Finally the Mayo Clinic weighs in:

Doctors don't recommend colon cleansing for better health or to prevent disease. The only appropriate use for colon cleansing is in preparation for a medical examination of the colon.

Your colon normally eliminates waste material and bacteria and absorbs water and sodium to maintain your body's fluid and electrolyte balance. Some colon-cleansing programs disrupt this balance and can be harmful by causing dehydration and salt depletion.

To help prevent constipation, eat plenty of fiber.

No shit Sherlock.

I don't spellcheck, but I do use babywipes....aaahhhhh.


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