Sunday, February 05, 2006

KING SODA

DIET SODA

When the primitive peoples of the world spied the skies to imagine gods, their slow-burning diesel minds could not have ever conceived the wonder of diet soda. Nothing speaks to the spoiled nature of this American-Idol society than it’s tendency to over-look diet soda. The magic formula is so abundant that no one thinks to appreciate it. Think upon it: something with the caloric value of water…with flavor! In the olden days that were afflicted with “natural” candies like black licorice flavor was a highly prized commodity. Hell, there was a time when salt was as valuable as gold. Imagine it. The world was so flavorless that people crossed deadly deserts and buggered their camels just to bring a hard-baked lump of salt to kings. If you had told one of these salt-deprived slags that someday there would be flavorful juices in a rainbow of colors flowing like the fountains of the Alhambra they probably would have burned you at the stake for witchy-ness. Tastelessness was such a plague that Europe chopped down its trees and trained its guns on the rest of the world just for some curry and cinnamon. Yet, here we sit, on the palanquin of gods in the golden era of diet soda, as if it has always been thus.

We’ve become so spoiled that some Americans walk around claiming not to drink soda. What insolence. What treason. What shame. These saps are the same nitwits who claim to not watch TV. These are people who feel so “dissed” by American society because by definition of their classification they have yet to receive the American Dream. They are as follows: dorks, dweebs, blow-hards, pretentious housewives, cattle-rustlers, racketeers, talk show hosts, B+ intellectuals, jew-turned-rasta lost lambs, fat chicks, metrosexuals, Boy Scout Leaders, Amway salespersons, and finally, liars. NOW HEAR THIS: Carbonated flavored soda thirst quenchers are the lifeblood of America. Yes. You know you’re American when you find yourself downing a six-pack of soda a day. Or if you like, filling up a ten-gallon omega-mug with a notoriously hyperbolic name like “thirst buster” and “big gulp” and sucking down volumes of soda until your kidneys bleed and your liver looks like it’s been blasted at point blank range by a 12-guage shotgun. So, in honor of America’s juice I will list the best diet sodas. Yes, diet. I am a member of the legion of health-confused Americans who eat two mcgriddles, but the drink diet coke. yes, i am an idiot.

COKE ZERO:

Where have you been all my life? What a great soda. Fantastic. The greatest accomplishment has not been reaching the moon; it’s been making this drink. Whatever nerd mixed this in a beaker should be given a harem, a million quarters and a vibrating bed, and a black American Express Card.

PEPSI ONE:

Was good until Coke Zero came along. Now, I’m not an official member of the two party beverage system. I’m an independent and I don’t like partisan politics. Pepsi One just doesn’t have the same zip that Coke Zero has. (I agree, coke and Pepsi are probably owned by the same dudes)

DIET COKE:

This seems to be a white woman favorite. If you’re dry, pasty, angry woman with a halibut ass, you probably love diet coke. If you’re a guy with smooth skin and you own Aveda product s then you probably love Diet Coke too. Be careful, I think Diet Coke chokes your urethra. I used to work with this Asian dude who drank two cans of Diet Coke every 15 minutes. He went to the bathroom every 71/2 minutes. You could hear him at the urinal struggling with his urinary tract. He urinated through tortured little bursts, like some troll was under him pinching his dick every ten seconds. His prostrate was probably all red and distended like a bowl of spaghetti. Behind his back we called him “DR. DC.”

DIET PEPSI:

Better than diet coke.

DIET MOUNTAIN DEW: CODE RED

What a gyp. First you think, “Mountain Dew, that’s like mountain biking and active.” Then you see the “Code Red” and think, “That must really be special, it’s encoded.” In fact, CODE RED is a phrase that Covert Op’s would use, IT MUST BE ACTIVE. Then you taste is and you realize, “This is just carbonated Hawaiian Punch.”

DIET DR. PEPPER:

It’s great for a change. But after awhile it’s really annoying. You get sick of the sweet taste. You get irritated by the idiot who keeps telling you the “secret ingredient” is prune juice. Who the hell is Doctor Pepper anyway, is he the same guy as Mr. Pibb? Doctor Jeckyll, Mr. Hyde. Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb…hmmmmmm.

SHASTA:

Will do in a jiff, but drink it in three minutes or it goes as flat as Gwen Steffanie.

1 Comments:

Anonymous jenn said...

ah the good dr. p. although the also pleasant mr pibb rarely appears as anything but "pibb xtra" these days. not sure what's so xtra about it but i enjoy it when i go to arby's.

i miss you!

2:01 PM

 

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