Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Vagina Dentata

No woman can be permanently satisfied. They know fulfillment for a few precious moments then their bottomless pits cry out for more. Their pits scream: must feed. Must eat. Their terrible maws always sniffs out morsels of male energy to devour. You know that giant Venus Fly Trap from that terrible movie Little Shop of Horrors? It’s living in my girlfriend’s chest. Worse yet, the constantly hungry spirit of Nel Carter lives inside my girl. What I do on Saturday does not count for what I do on Sunday, as if my girl has the memory of a gold fish.

Case in point:

Last Saturday I probably set an all-time Boy Friend Record. I racked up such a huge amount of boyfriend points that I reset the machine.

I took my girl hiking to Topanga State Park. True she got stung in the face by a bee, but I showed plenty of concern. I even waited to see if her head swelled up and offered to take her down to the fire station to get a bee shot.

On the hike, we walked arm-in-arm for at least thirty minutes atop a breathtaking view of the ocean and native fauna in the golden showers (not that kind sicko’s) of the setting sun and in SILENCE! Totally, undeniably romantic Johnny Depp shit.

That night, while my girl was sporadically doing her last-minute homework, I put on Merle Haggard and we did some country-western dancing. I mean, come on, spontaneous dancing is like a Female Heroin.

Believe me, everything was firing on all cylinders.

The very next day. The absolute next day, she played her favorite “I can’t come over” game. Let me show you how it works:

My girl: I can’t come over tonight baby.
(translation: beg me to come over tonight like a p-whipped mormon metrosexual)

Me: Okay.
(Translation: hahahahaha your mind tricks won’t work on me young jedi)

MG: That’s fucked up.

Me: What?
(Feigning ignorance only highlights her mind tricks)

MG: You never invite me over.

Me: I don’t have time to invite you over because I’m so busy hiking and dancing with you.

MG: …

Me: EXACTLY. Never satisfied. You won’t be satisfied until you drained my life force and I’m nothing but a shriveled leaf and even THEN your thirst won’t be quenched.

If you doubt the unrelenting hunger of the female below is further proof:

When the wolf in Red Riding Hood dressed up, he dressed up in “Grandma’s Clothing.” Red Riding Hood doesn’t even bat an eyelash when she sees a wolf wearing her grandma’s clothing. Why? Because her grandma was hungry like a wolf too. Basically the fairy tale is saying that grandma’s and wolves are interchangeable.

Or what about Jack Sprat could eat no fat, and his wife could eat no lean? She could eat no lean because she was fat from eating all the time. She sucked up her poor husband’s nutrients before he could get to them, thus leaving him skinny.

What about the black-eyed peas song, “My Humps?” The message of this song is that this woman with her "lady lumps" and "girl humps" will force a man to come out of pocket and do stuff for her. (by the way, where the hell did she come from?)

Jennifer Lopez’s luscious rump is actually a camel’s hump. She stored all her ex-husbands in butt cheeks to nourish through the lonely desert of post-menopausal diva life.

Is there any hungrier chick than Oprah?

They read books about how to marry a man. For instance, remember that book called The Rules, by those two Ethiopia-hungry looking chicks. They wrote this book to train women how not to “appear hungry” by not calling a man back. This shouldn’t be called the Rules of Dating, but she be considered a Cook Book entitled “How to Prepare a Man.”

All of this brings to mind the infamous Vagina Dentata, which is Latin for toothed vagina. Apparently anciennt Catholics worried that a woman’s private parts could swallow them whole. Our high school had a few cheerleaders that could accomplish that task as well as some very tiny ladies in South East Asia, but mainly, I thought the whole “mouth down there” thing was a myth. However, I did find this excerpt from an article. (yes, I probably should be working right now and not scouring the net for Vagina Dentata references).


In rare instances, teeth may actually be found in a vagina. Dermoid cysts are formed from the outer layers of embryonic skin cells. These cells are able to mature into teeth, bones, or hair, and these cysts are able to form anywhere the skin folds inwards to become another organ, such as in the ear or the vagina.

What?!?!? What dude? That’s kah-rayzee. If I saw a woman with some teeth growing out of her vagina I’d probably have a grande mal seizure and swallow my tongue.


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