The Handbasket Lands in Hell

yo. I said yo bitches. I say big ups from the hallowed ragweeds of the So-Cal sickness. This week in rock: nothing. just like last week and the one before that. This week in Rap: the same. Everything sucks. The only thing I like is the pussycat dolls because they’re freak bitches.

Check them out here.


Hakuna-Matata has been on loop in my mind man, ever since we started freaking George the Dog out with the stuffed animal. Fools roll up to me and ask me about the definition of a Life Estate and my mind goes, “It means no worries, for the rest of your life, it’s our problem free, phil-os-ophy, Hakuna Matata…” Yeesh. Who wrote that catchy shit.

[hold on]

Figures, sir Elton John wrote the music and sir Tim Rice wrote the lyrics. Gay dudes can really write catchy crap (YMCA) . It cracks me up that they're knighted. To big gay knights. Jousting...heheheheh.

George has shredded Simba into a handicapped orphan. Simba's head doesn't even move anymore, it just twitches like Kathernine Hepburn's neck while that stupid song rings out.

Elton John is turning into a big gay Lion King.

Mark Foley

Anyways, the whole world is madness again. The world became a gargantuan pulsing brain, swollen and glossy like a ravenous tick and like, along come celestial hoodlums to drizzle LSD along the crevices.

Who’d ever thought that anyone would be creepier than John Mark Karr, but will the other creepy Mark please step forward, toes one the line, face forward, look left, all the way, Mark Foley, woah...

You know you screwed up when the Republicans disown you. They won't even disown Nixon for Watergate, or even disown Lincoln for reeing the slaves. Look at that, FOX trying to claim Mark Foley is a Dem. What bastards.

I mean, jesus Christ man, when will these pedophiles stop being so blatant? can’t they at least try to not get caught. who the hell instant messages underage boys anymore. haven’t they been watching Dateline's To Catch a Predator with Stone Phillips?

wow. what a total rip-off man. what does it feel like to be that hypocritical? what was he doing all these years? lying. knowing that he was lying. secretly seething in public, at himself. perhaps he thought god was cruel to make him a pedophile and a conservative. I just imagine him praying for god to melt his balls off while he slept so he won’t have those evil hungers anymore. man-o-man, he is in Hell. Even Boy George is better off than him.

what about now? is he sitting in a beach house in Florida, in the kitchen, tons of food in front of him, but not really hungry, the feeling that “this isn’t really happening” probably washes over him and then re realizes…nope, it really is happening, shit, they know now. Throwing back some fuzzy navels, and fantasizing about stealing someone’s identity, maybe driving into oncoming traffic and engaging a gigantic fat coma in a waltz, or better yet suicide?


where does this shit happen? how do priests and politicians know how to find these vulnerable young men? I mean, shit, it’s hard enough to get laid the normal way, but how do they find the hairless young men who can be coerced into saying, yes? I mean the guys at Fife High School would have kicked the living shit out of Mark Foley. The 16 year olds at Fife wore “No Fear” shirts and would cut a man as soon as look at him. well maybe most of them. Maybe there were some odd fluffers, who could have crumbled to the pressure of a law maker. Weird. I mean if some son of bitch started IM-ing me about my “rod” and crap, I would have crushed him. I would got some of my black and chinese friends and fried his ass. I knew enough even at 16. Shit, hell, I knew enough at like 10 years old.

When I was ten I was staying the night at a family friend’s house. And like they had a teenage son. he was like 17 and crap. he was way into the Scorpions and Metallica. I ain’t going to name names for obvious reasons, but this silly bastard tried to get me to suck his dick. No lie. I was shocked. I was like “fuck you.” We were sleeping in sleeping bags on the ground and stuff, it was ll dark and crap, and he was all, “Hey”
ME: Yeah?
SB: You know what me and my friend do?
Me: [already my creep meter is going off.] uh no.
SB: We suck each other’s dicks.
Me: [total silence, my head is reeling, did he just say what I thought he said?]
SB: Yeah, we just, you know, we ain’t gay, we’re just horny.
Me: That sounds gay to me.
SB: It’s not, it’s like sucking a finger.
Me: The Hell it is. A finger is a finger, and a dick is a dick.
SB: It’s no biggie man, just you suck mine and I’ll suck yours, c’mon.
Me: Nope.
SB: It’s not gay.
Me: I gotta go.

I got up and left the room and slept out in the living room. That was definitely gay. I have never said a word about this until now. When I think about it now, I wonder if that guy really thought he wasn’t gay. I saw him once later, when we went skiing with a bunch of people. That bastard didn’t say shit. I knew why he didn’t say shit, he knew that I knew that he was a bonafide cocksucker. Bastard. So what’s up with these 16 year olds? I mean shit, the minute some old dude tries some hanky panky, I draw a clear line in the sand and say not on my watch dude. Not on my watch.

my girl says it’s wrong for an older man to email 16 year olds about their packages and crap, and I agree, but damn. you’d think these 16 year olds would have done something, I mean even little girls know how to say "NO!"