Wednesday, May 11, 2005

when's bush's term up so we can go back to being the greatest country on earth?

an annoying chick who has reinvented herslef and her new album is actually pretty good despite the totally lame title: mariah carey. she gets the "you don't suck as much as i thought you did" award. congrat's.

i ate cup o'noodles for lunch today. my friend is mexican and she had some leftover salsa that her mom made and i dumped it into my noodles to ratchet up the flavor. there i sat, slurping freeze-dried peas with flacid noodles. shrimp flavor..weee. the shrimp were so small they could stunt-double for bugs.

it sucks to be a writer. it sucks even more to be an unpaid writer doing his workstudy in the last quarter of his MFA, eating cup o noodles.

What's worse than that? being a clown. that's always been my curse. the big fat clown curse. in every class i've ever been in, i've gotten good marks and then like a big fat F for self-control. it's not that i'm an idiot, i have a good ideas somewhere in the mushy swamp that is my mind, but then i think about farts, skid marks, or new words for penis like "Beef Jeep," and fat people and
before you know it, my good idea is lost forever and so are my friends. i think i'm afflicted with a mild form assinine autism.

it disappoints my dad. my dad who is a lawyer. who's friends are lawyers. my godfather is a lawyer. even my 14 year old sister wants to be a lawyer. everyone is sensible and well-paid...but not my father's only begotten son. nope. he's the schmuck. mr. hollywood: the great lawyer nightmare.

one time i was on the brink of being kicked out of camp YMCA because i told a joke about a guy with no arms and no legs who knocked on the door with his "crank." (i was 10, i stole all these dirty joke books, it was Truly Tasteless Jokes volumes 1 thru 12, i read them all and have been warped ever since)

i wish i could tie my sense of humor in a bag and drown it in the hudson. it annihilates any respect i earn. it's like mercury poisoning or something. i spend a lot of time reading "the New Yorker" to "get smarter" and serious myself up but it's always destroyed when i laugh at a mule kicking someone in the balls.

it's this type of quality that keeps me out of the pentagon. no serious decisions will be handed off to me. all the "men" will make tough decisions in the war room, while i'll be outside "entertaining" the women and children. just once i'd like my presence to intimidate someone or force them to my bidding through fear. nope. people know i'm harmless as soon as i step of the short yellow bus.

I think i grew up next to powerlines. or, i remember when i was a kid playing in the exhaust fumes because it was like a smoke machine. we lived in washington and on cold days, my dad would start the car to warm it up. i went outside and saw all this cool smoke, so (i was 8) went down wind and prentended to be godzilla emerging through the fog. my dad came out because he hears me screaming, "aaaaaaaaawg!" and saw his little boy inhaling all these toxic fumes:

me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawg!

dad: what the hell are you doing, are you alright son?

m: i'm a monster, awwwwwg!

d: get out of there boy!

m: what?

d: what's the matter with you, you want to die?

m: no.

d: you can't breath in car exhaust.

m: i can't?

d: no, it's full of poison.

m: oh (feeling a warm sensation as carbonmonoxide eats away my brain cells)

and that's how i became socially retarded.

i don't spell check.


Blogger tulips4me said...

sounds like you've got serious self-esteem issues. Come sit on my couch and I'll try to help you through them. That is, as long as you don't make any Jesus jokes.

2:48 PM

Anonymous Chocolate Thunder! said...

WOW!! Is it "Medicine Bear" beat up day? I think your alter ego is winning........

3:03 PM


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