Tuesday, June 28, 2005

advice for dealing with black women

now hear this. now hear this: do not, i repeat, do not talk about "hair" with black women if YOU are not a black woman. if you are around black women and the subject of "hair" comes up, get the fuck out. keep your mouth shut and your head down. cuz it's gonna get hairy and ugly. you'll come out all sucked-up and shell-shocked, looking like tom cruise in the fourth of july rolling in wheel chair without your dick.

let me tell you what happened to your boy:

i walked up in the office, innocent. INN-O-CENT. and there werre two sisters and a white girl talking about hair. of course the white girl threw me under the bus. now, everyone in the office knows that i have a girlfriend and that she's an ebony queen because of this stupid blog. so the white girl says:

white girl: medicine bear, you should get braids.

sister 1: no he shouldn't. white people don't look good with braids.

wg: he's not white. he's indian.

s1: i mean like straight hair, it doesn't look good in braids.

me: what? geronimo been havin' braids since time and memorial.

s1: i'm talking about adding hair.

me: extensions?

s1: right.

wg: did your girlfriend ever get braids?

me: no way. never. that ain't her style.

long awkward silence. sister 1 and 2 stop what their doing. potentially something racist has been said and i can tell by their eyes that they're gonna pin me down johnny cochran style. they were going to clear the air.

s1: what?

me: (oh shit) what?

s1: not her style? what do you mean?

me: (head for the hills idiot) well, she was raised in an affluent, all-white (crap, i said it!) suburb in texas. she was the only black girl in her shcool. (maybe because i'm recounting actual facts i'll be saved).

s1: oh, and braids are ghetto?

me: (i'm toast) i don't think braids are ghetto at all. i think the president should get braids. it's just not my girl's style.

s1: uh-huh, and what kind of style is that?

me: (did i say something racist? why is my heart pounding in my ears?) i don't know, her style. she's bougie. you know, upper class.

s1: oh, and i guess low class people have braids?

that's when i noticed that sister 1 in fact HAD BRIADS. shit. i'm neck deep now. then a solution hit me. it was like a shining beacon of hope direct from god himself: blame your girlfriend. she's black and she's not here to defend herself.

me: no, my GIRLFRIEND'S definition of bougie is that they don't get extensions. i like braids. but she thinks its ghetto.

s1: mmm. she's got a problem.

me: i know. it's because she was raised around white people.

s1: white people.

me: yep.

s1: i don't know where this whole thing about extensions being ghetto started. just because i have braids doesn't mean i don't have any hair. i GOT hair.

me: i think IN LIVING COLOR started that. they made a lot of jokes about weaves and stuff.

then sister 2 decided to pipe up.

s2: does your girl go on perm?

oh shit. what the fuck is the right answer here? did she say "on perm?" what the hell does that mean? if i ask here to clarify her statement will she think i'm putting down ebonix and calling her ghetto? damn!

me: (using an old indian technique of stalling through repetition) on perm?

s2: yeah does she go on perm?

me: uhm...

s2: is her hair straight?

me: hell yes, yeah, her hair's straight. yes. straight.

then s1 and s2 look at each other like, "uh-huh, see." i don't know what the hell that was about but they sure did.

s2: then she's on perm because no black woman's hair stays straight.

that's when i remembered about malcolm x talking about conching hair and stuff. i was not about to say anything about malcolm x right now.

s2: i'll get a weave. i don't care. you know me. i bust a wig.

right when s2 started talking about wigs i knew that i had to leave. i knew that my mouth plus wig equals dead indian. i got the hell at of dodge while the getting was still good. later sister 1 gave me the speech about "living in a box" and how special it is to go "outside the box."

i don't spellcheck.


Anonymous Tarbash the Egyptian Magician said...

Good maneuvering!

3:26 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thx baby! Now I will 2 of my peeps thinking that I am a "self" hater and that I am "bougie". Oh well, atleast I have GOOD hair...no PERM needed. Thx white people!! LOL

your "mixed" breed girlfriend

10:59 AM


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