Monday, May 16, 2005

i don't trust dasani water

i don't ever need to vacation to mexico, i've already been there. it's only 10 minutes from my house, it's call food 4 less. yep this mega-grocery store stunt doubles as mexico, it's armed to the teeth with latinos. and a universal rule of thumb that even god lives by is, "wherever there are latinos, you can buy cheap food."

so i went there to load up. and like i went over to the jalepeno bin. like a totla tourist i was picking slowly through the peppers (why are some peppers turning red? does that mean they're overripe?) anyways some huge mexican grandma (in spanish it's abuelita) knocked me out of the way. she rested her huge yucatan udders on the pepper bin and begin shaking the entire bin. i swear to god. it was like a giant japeno jiffy pop. all the good peppers rose to the top. she smiled at me and i said "gracias." she had a giant white hair coming out of a mole on her lip. the white hair looked like a giant lightening bolt. she probably used it to floss her teeth.

i went to the deli and i saw crazy meats there. there was meat that had no name. it was conundrum meat. like knuckles and cartilage specialties and crap. weird. it looked like luncheon slices served at the cantina in star wars.

mexican people have very colorful soda. their beverage aisle looks like the fourth of july, they got apple soda, lime soda, orange soda, 8 different shades of red soda, it's crazy. they're so lucky. and they have orchata. and some soda that's tamarind flavor. i don't even know what a tamarind is...i thought it was a musical instrument. what do whites got? coke and diet coke. and if they get crazy sometimes they have lime coke. but then nobody buys the lime coke and they sell it off the shelves and hide it for two more years. oh yeah, and they got dasani water.

dasani water. i don't trust it. where did it come from? evian's been around awhile. and arrowhead has street cred. i think dasani is middle eastern water. i bet it's made by osama bin laden. that's why it's so cheap. i bet he put some crazy chemicals in it to make women submissive and to wear burkas.

i was Spanfishing the other day. for those that don't know, Spanfishing is the act of asking your latino friends how to say words in spanish. you keep the good ones and throw back the rest. i asked my friend what cop-o'noodles is in spanish and she said, "Mar U Chan," i walked around saying the spanish word for like weeks and then one day i realized that "Mar U Chan" is the name of the company that makes cup'o'noodles. i had been saying Maruchan with a spanish accent that's all. what a rip off.

i don't spell check.


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