Racism Destroys Relationships

monkey see monkey do. guess what ladies and gentleman, wouldn't you know, my girl's got a blog now. yep. yep. yepperoni. she's bloggin' la vida loca. this is not the first time my girl has bitten my style. she's got a long track record of copying me. i call her "the shadow" and it ain't because she's black either. whatever i do she does.

she steals my lingo. in referrence to overly large women or really ugly people, i often say, "woah. woah." now she says, "woah. woah."

in discussing someone just packing on like 50 lbs really quick. like that shocking weight, where you have to act like you don't see their rotund thighs churning like hug columns of manteca (mexican lard), i always say, "BLAMMO!" i'll use it in a sentence.

me: dude baby, you should have seen chelsea.
my girl: whaaaaat?
me: yep. yep. huge. huuuuuuuuuuuuge.
mg: what?
me. yep, just two years ago she was totally hot and then the other day when i went to fat burger she was in line with a tray full of fries. see that's what happens.
mg: what happens?
me: she's thin. she gets married. then BLAMMO. BUH-LAMM-O!

now my girl says, blammo.

i got a blog, now she's got a blog, i have a penis now she has a penis...just kidding. anyways, i should get royalty checks on her jokes.

but having a black girlfriend isn't easy. sometimes the "racial divide" can cause problems in an otherwise positive relationship. Cultural differences can lead to communication breakdowns. LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN:

the following event comes from an acutal event in my twisted life:

disclaimer: to my african american friends. what you are about to read is absolutely true. it is not meant to offend, and i have not invented this to be funny. this comes from the steaming asphalt of my relationship.

the scene:
my girl and i are watching animal planet's "nature's nightmares." this is a show about animals attacking humans (i always root for the animals.) in this particular episode an alligator ripped apart a middle-aged woman. by the way, i love animal attack reenactments. it's hilarious to watch second-rate actors scream.

my girl: (because everything is about her) what would you do if i was attacked by an alligator?

me: (knowing how to handle women) i'd throw myself in front of the beast and scream take me, take me.

mg: (nothing's ever good enough) no, but would you rescue me from the jaws?

me: hell yes. i'd yank you right out. i'd hear your ligaments snapping and jump in and save you.

mg: what did you just say?

me: (oh shit, what now?) what?

mg: i can't believe you just said that.

me: what?

mg: i can't believe you said nigger lips.

me: WHAT?

mg: you said you'd hear my niggerlips flapping and rescue me.

me: (danger, do not laugh, do not laugh unless you want al sharpton breathing down your neck) i did NOT say nigger lips. I said ligaments, ligaments.

mg: you just said it again.

me: baby, that was only refference to your earlier commment. that was totally clinical.

mg: whatever.

me: daaaaaamn. i rescue your ass and now i'm in trouble. figures.

mg: WHAT?!?!

me: FIGURES, with an F. Now i know you're kidding...that's messed up.

now i say ligaments all the time. i bet he has huge ligaments, and my girl just tries to buren me down with laser beams from her eyes.

SCENE TWO:

this is true as well. my girl and i were playing a video game where you're a GOLD MINER (great game, go to www.knockoutgames.com) and you pull giant gold nuggets out of the earth. SOOOOO this is what happened.

me: go baby go.

my girl: shut your lip. you're ruining my concentration.

me: grab them nuggets.

mg: shut up.

me: grab 'em. grab my nuggets.

mg: (quiet)

me: there's one right there get it.

mg: I GOT IT.

me: (doing my best gold miner impression) d'eres gold in dem dar hills. dat's a biggin' grab that nugger right there.

mg: that's fucked up.

me: what? i said nugger. nugger. as in nugget. nugger.

mg: you just want to say the N word around me so baaad.

me: what, should i have said? nuggAH?

mg: fool.

i don't spell check.